


Anchor: Ripples

by AricaZorel



Series: Every Wave of the Storm [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Letters, Literal Sleeping Together, Modern Girl in Thedas, New Beginnings, Nightmares, Not Really Character Death, Past Abuse, Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Satinalia (Dragon Age), Second Chances, Self-Esteem Issues, Sequel, Siblings, Starting Over, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:06:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 38,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28531902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AricaZorel/pseuds/AricaZorel
Summary: Cullen and Anyssa came from very different worlds—literally.  One a redemptive former Templar. The other a disillusioned historian from Earth. Both looking for a new beginning and finding that with the Inquisition and much more with each other.Now in a meaningful, stable relationship, the two face the future laid out before them in the wake of Corypheus’ defeat. The choices of their past and present will play out as ripples into their future as they navigate a new life together, determined to overcome their demons—both literally and metaphorically. What will the future hold for them? Only the Maker knows...~~~~~This direct sequel to “Anchor” will follow Anyssa and Cullen’s journey together after the events of Dragon Age: Inquisition through the Trespasser DLC.
Relationships: Cullen Rutherford/Original Character(s), Cullen Rutherford/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Every Wave of the Storm [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1871011
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31





	1. Holes

**Author's Note:**

> As with the previous stories of Cullen and Anyssa there will be mentions of their past trauma and triggers. I will use the author’s notes to warn you when they pop up in future chapters. 
> 
> For now, please enjoy the first chapter of Cullen and Anyssa’s newest journey. And may 2021 bring you the best of whatever you want/wish/need. And as always take care!

“Holes”

  
Three days. It had been three days since Evie and her friends had defeated Corypheus. Three days since Solas disappeared. Three days since Cullen finally understood that his doubts about her desire to remain were unfounded. Three days since she realized that despite whatever force had brought her to Thedas, whether is was Cole acting in his own or he had help, she was going to make this life her own on her own terms.

A sleepy sigh emanated from the person beside her as they snuggled up to her. “You should be asleep.”

The voice was rough from sleep but still undeniably that of Cullen Rutherford. Anyssa looked down at the mess of blond curls that now laid upon her shoulder. His eyes were closed as he draped an arm over her waist, a contented smile playing upon his lips. She feathered her fingers through the wild curls she had come to like so much as she noted, “You should be asleep too. Why aren’t you?”

She knew all too well of his battle with night terrors but this time his awakened state didn’t seem to have anything to do with that. He made a contented humming sound as he tilted his head up just enough to nuzzle her neck with his nose. His stubble tickling the hollow of her throat. She squirmed as he murmured, “Because you are awake.”

Anyssa furrowed her brow as he settled against her again. They had only started sharing quarters after his return from the Shrine of Dumat less than two months ago. Since the victory by the Inquisition at the Temple of Mythal in the Arbor Wilds, they had sleep with one another more frequently, each finding sleep easier in the company of the other. Despite the rumors and the romantic tales spun, they had quite literally only spelt together. Neither ready to engage in more just yet.

In all that time Cullen only woke when a night terror occurred, his withdrawals were at their worst, or a messenger arrived with important news. If he woke because of her he quickly gathered her in his arms and fell back asleep. This time he seemed happy to be awake and conversing with her. It threw her for a loop as she usually tried to help him get as much sleep as possible not keep him from it.

“Cullen, it’s the middle of the night and you need your sleep,” she urged as she continue to card her fingers through his wild curls.

“I need you too,” he mused as he gently squeezed her.

The historian knew she was wearing a grin as she glanced down at him again. “I’m here.”

“Yes you are,” the Commander replied with satisfaction in his voice. Since the defeat of the Elder One, his focus had shifted to routing the remaining Venatori and Red Templar forces. It was in some ways easier but no less complicated. Regardless, he seemed a little more relaxed though she doubted he would ever truly embody the word entirely. Either way, she enjoyed seeing him relax even just for a moment.

Content with his reasons for being awake, Anyssa settled back against the pillows, casting her gaze upward toward what had garnered her attention in the first place. Instead of a ceiling she saw a partial ceiling. The bed chamber’s roof was riddled with holes that invited both vines to grow through and a fantastic view of the starry Frostback sky. Even almost a year at Skyhold and the roof to his tower was still not repaired.

“Why are you awake in the middle of the night staring contemplatively at the hole in my roof?”

She should have known he would figure out what she were doing. She had randomly woken up planning on falling back asleep, but the twinkling stars had caught her attention. Then her mind had begun working, wondering why he still had a hole in his loft. Why hadn’t it been fixed when they had plenty of funds to do so? Why did he make excuse after excuse for it not being repaired? There was a story to it, more than the standard reasons he gave everyone else.

She had never really asked, never pushed to find the real reason. That had been before she had spent the night with him in his loft. Not because he was sick or because of the threat of night terrors or stress induced withdrawal episodes. This time Cullen had asked her to stay with him just because. He never had before. They had always stayed in her quarters but since the defeat of Corypheus things seemed just a little bit different with the Commander. Not in a bad way but in ways she hadn’t expected.

“The stars are out. I can see them better from here than my quarters,” she offered to begin with, knowing her would inquire further no matter what she said.

“You can see the stars just fine from the battlements as well, Nys,” he observed as he turned his head to kiss her shoulder. “Why do you seem fascinated by them through my roof?”

Anyssa chewed her bottom lip as she considered her words. She wanted to ask. She felt as if she should ask but part of her still doubted whether she had the right to ask. They were together now true. They had been close before they had ever kissed. They had told each other things no one else knew. Could she ask without seeming too pushy?

“I can hear you overthinking, Nyssa,” Cullen commented with a slightly amused tone. “Just ask whatever is on your mind. It is alright.”

She looked down to find his eyes open, golden orbs gazing back, waiting patiently for her question. In his unwavering gaze she found the courage to ask. “Why do you…Why is there still a hole in your roof?”

The Commander raised his head from her shoulder, moving to prop himself up on his elbow. He regarded her intently, studying her. It was something she had become accustomed to as it signaled his attempt to gauge why she had asked the question. She had learned to remain silent during these times because trying to explain only put him off. Now he took a breath and shrugged. “It helps me sleep.”

“Seeing the stars helps you sleep?” she echoed uncertainly. That thought had never crossed her mind.

He nodded. “When I wake up I sometimes don’t know where I am. I—I think that I might still be trapped…back there. Looking up at the stars helps me ground myself. Reminds me I’m here and not there.”

Anyssa knew he was being vague on purpose. He didn’t want to give those memories anymore control by uttering the name of the place that haunted his dreams. She wouldn’t make him either. This wasn’t about the past exactly. It was why he did something in the present that helped him cope. All she wanted was to understand.

“Is it because you couldn’t see them from… I mean that you know there’s a way out,” she tried to clarify. It wasn’t coming out as she wanted it to. “I mean that it’s not confining because of—“

The historian stopped abruptly, frustrated that she could say it correctly. A finger hooked under her chin brought her gaze back to those golden-brown eyes she had come to know so well. “The answer to what you are trying to articulate is yes.”

She let out a sigh of relief that he knew what she was trying to say. Giving her a half grin he went on, “You know I am not fond of small spaces. You know that it is because of what I experienced 10 years ago. Since I ceased taking lyrium, small spaces seem to exacerbate my lyrium withdrawals. My office has three doors to exit by. My loft has a hole in the ceiling to allow me space if you will. I look up and know that I am not trapped, that I am free.”

She took in his words as his thumb caressed her jaw. A stray thought hit her, one she didn’t particularly care for. “Then how do you sleep in my quarters? There is only one door and there’s no—“

Placing his thumb over her lips to silence her, Cullen smiled at her. “You are there.”

Her eyes went wide. “But I—Is that enough?”

He chuckled much to her surprise. “Yes, Nys. That is enough. You are enough…Besides your window is rather large…”

She gave him a look but smiled anyway. She glanced from his reassuring grin to the stars above. Yet another question came to her mind unbidden. Still gazing upward, she heard Cullen ask, by now able to tell when she had a question she wasn’t sure she should ask, “What thoughts play upon that inquisitive mind of yours now?”

She pursued her lips for a moment, knowing he wouldn’t let it go. He had come to firmly believe that she should speak her mind, even her doubts when they came to her. If she could not talk to him about it, then he would direct her to another, because he was convinced keeping her doubts and fears in would only hurt the progress she had made in Thedas. She was loath to admit he was correct, but he was.

“How come we’ve been staying in my quarters until tonight?”

The Commander looked at her in confusion. “We’ve stayed here since we—“

“No, Cullen,” she interrupted shaking her head. “Not like that. We’ve stayed here because you were having a bad day with your withdrawals or were too exhausted to go to my quarters. This is the first time you’ve asked me to sleep here when nothing was wrong. You asked me ahead of time, before the afternoon meal. Why is that? Why _now_?”

He glanced down at his hand that remained around her waist. Remaining stubbornly silent would only make her want to ask more; he had to know that by now. He had been open about everything else. How was this question any different?

Anyssa watched as he clenched his jaw, refusing to look at her. She could tell he was battling with himself over what to tell her. Did he think the reason would drive her away or make her think him weak? Or was it something totally different? Whatever it was he had to know she wouldn’t look at him differently. If anything she would simply understand him more.

Slowly she turned to him, feathering her fingers through his disheveled curls. She watched as he closed his eyes, leaning his brow against her shoulder. Softly, she urged, “Cullen, please. I just want to know…I want to understand…”

“Why do you want to understand?” he asked, his voice sounding rough. He sounded so unsure, so vulnerable. Two months since their first kiss and they still had so far to go. She had a lot to still sort through and rediscover. Once again she was reminded that even though he had told her he loved her, there were still things he still found hard to share. He had spent the better part of his adult years dealing with things on his own, not feeling like he could share his trauma with anyone without compromising his duty as a Templar, not without seeming weak.

“Because I care about you. I want to be with you. I want to stay with you” Anyssa replied listing all the reasons she wanted to understand as they came to her mind. “I want to…I want that life we talked about before Corypheus was defeated…I want to help you because you’ve helped me so much. I—Because of your support, I’ve been able to remember who I am. I could have done it on my own I suppose but having you in my life made it so much simpler. I want to do the same for you.”

She heard Cullen take a breath as his arm around her waist tightened around her. His warm lips pressed a tender kiss to her shoulder. In a whisper, he said, “You do.”

That feeling of warmth, of belonging, of being special flooded her entire being. Not long ago, it had been foreign, something to fear. Now, with Cullen, it was something to look forward to, something welcomed, something to be cherished.

Anyssa glanced down to see golden-brown eyes gazing back. She opened her mouth to say something but was cut off by Cullen cupping her face. He smiled as he said, “I chose this tower, this loft as my personal space to be away from everyone. It was still a habit when we arrived at Skyhold, one I subconsciously carried over from my time in the Templar Order. I did not wish to be a burden to anyone. My time with the Inquisition has taught me I am not a burden and that people can care about me. That I can accept help and kindness from others and that it is not a weakness to do so.”

He caressed her cheek as he continued, “You are right. There is so much that we have yet to do, so much that we still have to discover about ourselves and each other. We could have done these things on our own, but I would much rather do it at your side. You make things easier… As for your question, you make this place feel like not just a place to retreat to but a home. I have not felt that in a very long time.”

She felt the tears threatening to flow at his admission. Cullen sat up as he moved to hold her head with both hands. Using the pads of his thumbs to wipe away her tears, he kissed her forehead. Anyssa hugged him tightly, burying her face in his chest. She murmured against him, “I feel the same way.”

Cullen made a contented sound as he kissed the crown of her head. “Perhaps we should discuss what exactly we want in a home.”

“I’d like that,” she agreed, her tears gone.

“Then that would be a discussion for the morning hours,” Cullen noted as he pulled back.

“Well, yes but—”

“But what?”

“What about the hole in your roof?”

“What about it?”

“Do you want that in a house?”

“Nys—”

“If it helps…”

“That’s quite impractical.”

“But it helps.”

“So do you.”

“But—”

“Nys, it’s a hole in a tower of an ancient fortress. It has served it’s purpose. Things change and I must learn to adapt. I have had many holes in my life if you will. Meeting you, having you in my life has filled many of them. I do not require a hole in the roof of any future dwelling that I share with you. If I ever want to see the stars from now on, all I must do is look into your eyes.”

Feeling a massive blush bloom over her entire body, she glanced away. “Cullen, you don’t have to say things like that.”

“Even if they are true?” he asked with a playful grin.

Anyssa huffed but said nothing. Cullen kissed her again as he pulled her down to the mattress with him. He laid on his side, holding her to his chest as they settled back down. She felt calm as sleep slowly came back to her. The last thing she remembered hearing was Cullen’s voice.

“It is true. I am whole when I am with you. I never thought I could love someone until I met you. I will always love you. I promise..”


	2. Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the word spreads of Corypheus' defeat, more nobles make their way to Skyhold to cash in on the Inquisition's skyrocketing popularity. At the same time, Cullen and Anyssa struggle to find ways to spend time together without drawing the unwanted attention of nobles. As they continue to explore their blossoming relationship, an unexpected letter arrives for Nyssa that puts Cullen on the defensive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no triggers in this chapter (unless Cullen pouting counts--you have been warned;)

“Did you enjoy yourself?” Cullen asked from beside her as they rode along the outskirts of the camps below Skyhold. He had conducted an impromptu inspection of the forward camps and troops that morning after practice drills had been interrupted by gawking nobles. Convincing Anyssa to join him had been easy as nobles had inundated her workspace with their presence as well.

“Yes,” the historian almost hissed out. Just about one week had passed since Cullen had asked her to stay with him in his loft. It had simply been because he wanted her there and not because of nightmares or withdrawals. Now the nobility was nosing around for gossip.

The defeat of Corypheus less than two weeks ago had already seen an influx of nobility visiting Skyhold, hoping to capitalize on the victory. Somehow that meant more marriage proposals for Cullen. Unfortunately he had expected that. It had been that way ever since the grand ball. But now it included Nyssa. That he hadn’t foreseen, nor did he care for it. She felt the same.

Cullen grinned as Ajax walked along side Argo. At least he had been right to invite her. “Are you ready to go back?”

“Not if those nosey… _people_ are still there,” she snapped.

“I’m afraid Josephine assures me this is just the first wave to appear,” he replied sadly.

Anyssa huffed. “We are together now. Can’t they take a bloody hint and back off?”

Cullen raised an eyebrow. Not as colorful as he knew her vocabulary could be, he was still caught off guard. She really was upset over the morning’s events. Urging Ajax closer, he took her hand in his. “You know what ever they may try it will fail. My heart belongs to you, and you alone. I love you.”

“I know,” she said softly. She was still unable to tell him she loved him, but Cullen was okay with that. She had more than demonstrated her feelings for him by her actions. The words would be nice to hear but only when she were finally ready. He was still in awe that he could say them himself.

The Commander glanced across the field to a slightly longer path through the woods that lead back to Skyhold. Gesturing in that direction, he suggested, “Perhaps a longer ride is in order.”

Her ice blue eyes glanced in the direction he pointed. A broad smile spread across her face. “I’d like that.”

He grinned back as they changed direction. Anything to quell her mind was worth it especially if it meant spending more time with her.

~~~~~~~

Indulging Anyssa had become a habit, almost as if it were now second nature to the Commander. Perhaps he did it too often but to see her smile, that made it worth it. She had missed out it seemed in many things on Earth and many things common place in Thedas. He couldn’t resist making sure she experienced new things, common things he took for granted.

This time she had suggested that they race back to Skyhold. After months of riding Argo he felt confident she could handle it though he was sure he would still win. As they galloped down the well-worn trails through the woods, he allowed Anyssa to take the lead with Argo, watching as she enjoyed the freedom the ride gave her. The Commander knew better than to let her win lest she be cross with him.

Urging Ajax to gallop faster, Cullen surged passed Anyssa with a loud laugh. He heard her let out a growl of frustration and then a scream with a crash of branches. Pulling on the reigns to halt Ajax, Cullen turned to see Anyssa caught in tree branches and Argo stomping her feet impatiently. Quickly urging his horse to her side, he saw that as he had passed she had mistakenly taken to the right of the path too far and end up tangled in some low branches. Her hair and blue scarf stuck in the tree.

Reaching over, the Commander gently untangled the mess of honey blonde locks and the blue scarf he had gifted her all those months ago in Haven. She refused to meet his eyes as he said softly, “I did not mean for this to happen, Nys. Forgive me?”

She glanced at him, her cheeks red from both the cold and embarrassment. “You didn’t do anything. I’m the one that told Argo to go the wrong way. I know better.”

“We all make mistakes, Nyssa,” he reminded her as he rewrapped the scarf around her.

“I—I know but I’ve been practicing, and I just thought for once I could beat you,” she admitted. “And then I ended up like _this_.”

“It will be our secret.”

She nodded and then let out a noise of disappointment. Cullen frowned as she freed the last of her hair. “What is it?”

“My scarf!” She exclaimed in distress. “It’s torn…”

Cullen looked to where she was pointing. A branch had snagged part of the seam along the edge as the the whole thing was now threatening to unravel. Examine it further he said, “This can be fixed easily.”

She regarded him skeptically. “And you know that _how_?”

“It is a tear along a seam, Nys. How hard is that to fix?”

“I don’t know.”

He looked at her. “You don’t know how to sew do you?”

She shook her head. He grinned. “Well as fortune would have it, I do. It can be fixed tonight.”

“Really?”

He nodded as he urged Ajax and Argo back along the path to Skyhold. This time there was no racing. “I promise it will be repaired. I cannot very well let you freeze without your scarf can I?”

“I could borrow your cloak.”

“I would prefer you the have your scarf intact _and_ my cloak if it is all the same to you.”

“You really don’t want me to get cold do you?”

“You said you didn’t want to live in the mountains or near snow after the Inquisition. And yes. I don’t want you to be cold. For many reasons.”

“Like?”

“You complain more when you are cold.”

Anyssa swatted his arm as she said, “Cullen.”

He laughed. “Of course you say I am the best bed warmer you have ever had.”

She gave him a tender smile. “You are the best _anything_ I’ve ever had.”

*****

That evening after eating dinner in the Great Hall and quickly retrieving something from Cullen’s loft he said he needed, the Commander and historian retreated to her quarters over the garden. He settled down on the sofa in front of the fire with a stack of reports and a small leather-bound bundle. Anyssa sat at her desk going over the various correspondence she’d received that day. Some of it was from academic colleagues she had met, others were reports on historical sites the Inquisition had uncovered, and others were from nobles. She had a very good idea what they wanted but decided to save those for last.

As the last rays of sunlight played across the floor through the room’s large window, she glanced up to look at Cullen. His head was bowed as if reading but his hands were moving in a repetitive motion or pushing and pulling something. That was decidedly not normal for his evening routine of reading reports. Curious she asked, “Cullen, what are you doing?”

“Repairing your scarf,” he replied matter of factly, his concentration never broken.

Furrowing her brow, Anyssa asked, “My scarf? You mean you really do know how to sew?”

“I do,” he answered, amusement in his voice as he paused to glance in her direction. A smirk playing across his lips as he added, “How do you think my own things are repaired, Nys?”

She watched in frustration as he returned his attention to his task. Apparently the bundle he had insisted he needed from his quarters was a sewing kit of some sort. But why hadn’t he told her?

“Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“I did not think it needed to be said,” he replied.

Anyssa huffed as she turned away, crossing her arms. Set on ignoring him for the moment, she looked out the window to the snow-covered mountains. Just the barest hint of light remained. Why did he know how to sew? He was a soldier, a Templar. Well a _former_ Templar not a seamstress or whatever. Why—

“Nys, you truly do not know how to sew do you?”

The question caught her off guard as she involuntarily glanced back at him. “What?”

“You act surprised that I know how to sew, and you did not mention that you could fix it yourself,” he clarified, golden brown eyes meeting hers with a knowing look. “I therefore conclude that you do not know how to sew.”

She exhaled sharply and cast her gaze down at the desk top hoping the papers would offer a way out. They didn’t. Instead her embarrassment rose. She could feel her cheeks redden as she felt his continued gaze. He was right. She didn’t know. But why did he?

A rustle of paper and solid footsteps came up beside her. The blue scarf was placed gently in her lap, the seam repaired almost as if nothing had ever happened. “I know how to sew because it was a skill I acquired in the Order. We were all issues identical clothing, armor, equipment. Unless you wanted to end up with another Templar’s small clothes you learned to at least stitch you name in your clothes. That slowly turned into learning to do your own mending otherwise you waited days if not weeks for it to be repaired by a seamstress. Sometimes you could make extra coin sewing for other Templars who did not have the skill.”

Anyssa held on to the scarf tightly, still refusing to answer. “Nyssa, you need not be embarrassed by lacking that skill. From what you tell me of your world, it wasn’t a skill used in daily life for everyone…However, if you would like to learn to do simple repairs I could teach you.”

Finally she glanced up. “You would?”

He smiled and nodded at her. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

A hand rested lightly on her shoulder. “The offer stands, Nys.”

She held onto the scarf with one hand as she turned her attention back to all the correspondence scattered across her desk. With her left free hand she sorted absentmindedly through the stack of letters she presumed were from nobles asking for a favor.

She paused at a letter that bared no seal just her name. The handwriting seemed vaguely familiar, but she couldn’t think of why that would be.

Cullen suddenly snatched the letter in question from her. “Cullen!”

“She wouldn’t…Why would she…” he mumbled as he focused intently on the handwriting.

“Cullen, that is to _me_ ,” Anyssa said. “Please hand it back.”

A scowl crossed his handsome features as he attempted to walk away. _With_ the letter.

Anyssa let out a groan of frustration as she snatched the letter back and quickly opened it. Dodging his attempts to take it back she moved closer to the fire place and was surprised to see the signature at the bottom. It was from his sister Mia.

She glanced up at him as he slumped his shoulders in defeat. He really had not wanted her to read the letter. Why? Now she was sure to do it even if she had to hide in order to do so. When he made no further attempt to take the letter she unfolded it all the way and began reading as Cullen waited by the sofa like a puppy waiting to be scolded.

_Dearest Anyssa~_

_Please forgive my familiarity but with each new letter from my stubborn, proud brother, I feel as if I get to know better. Since you gave him a talking to several months ago, his letters have gradually increased in both frequency and detail. I thank you for that and for coming into his life. He seems so much happier now. He reminds me of the old Cullen, before he left us for the Templars. I know we will never get that Cullen back. Time changes us all, but it is good to know the roots of who he was remain._

_I am rambling on instead of properly introducing myself you. Forgive me. I am Mia Rutherford Wathen, Cullen’s older sister. I’m sure he has at least complained about me if not explained who I am properly. If that is the case I would like to correct that now. I am the eldest of our four siblings and I know the others will tell you I am the mother hen. It is true and I will not stop. Our family has been through much and we have never forgotten about Cullen no matter how stubborn he has been over the years._

_We were forced to relocate to South Reach during the Blight which also claimed the lives of our parents. Cullen found out about this through a letter during a very dark time in his life. I have never forgiven myself for not being able to inform him in person, but he refused to give us his whereabouts. I understand his reasons, but I still want to talk about it in person. There’s are so many things I want to discuss with him in person. It has been over 10 years since we saw him, and we miss him. Letters can only go so far…_

_I have written to you in the hopes that one day soon perhaps Cullen will came visits us and bring you. I miss him terribly. We all do but since answering the call of the Inquisition he seems to have found new purpose and a new path. With a you, he seems to have found a strength he could never admit to having. He is better now for so many reasons. You are an exceptionally large one and I want to meet the woman who has captured my brother’s heart, who was able to ware down his defenses enough for him to allow in._

_Writing to you personally like this was my only other option aside from contacting then Inquisitor herself. I have written three other letters since my brother attended the Grand Ball. Since I have never received a response in those three months I am left to assume he behaved liked a child and hide them from you. I am relatively sure he hasn’t discarded them but please let him know I am wise to his game. Something tells me you know what I am referring to, putting off things he does not want to deal with._

_Perhaps this all seems forward to you and I apologize if I have put you on the spot. The way Cullen writes about you though…I have never heard him speak of anyone so. If nothing else please take care of my brother. After all he has been through he deserves that at least. He deserves you. And because of that know that we already consider you family._

_I look forward to seeing both of you soon and please if you wouldn’t mind write me back. I would love to know you better through your own words._

_Take care and Maker watch over you both._

_Mia_

Anyssa looked up from the letter to see a red in the face Commander staring back. Arching an eyebrow she said, “Mia sent _three_ letters to me and asked that you give them to me. You _hide_ them instead.”

It was not a question just a statement of fact. He nodded guiltily.

“Why?”

“I thought it was—"

“Stop. Right. There. You were making decisions _for_ me _without_ consulting me.”

“My sister insisted she write to you without a proper introduction and that I was not telling her everything that is between us. I am _not_ a child that must be watched over any longer—"

“This _wasn’t_ about you until you made it so. Mia wanted to hear from _me_. She wanted to know _me_ better. Someone she’s never met but sees how her brother cares for that person. That’s why she wanted to write me _because_ of you. _Not_ to scold you. She’s proud of you and she loves you. She happy that you’ve—that you have me now and just…I…”

“What, Nys?”

“I—it’s just that someone I don’t know except through you, wants to meet me. She said she hoped we—you and me—would come visit them in South Reach now that Corypheus was defeated…”

“You _want_ to go?”

She nodded as he came to stand in front of her. “Nyssa, I—I am sorry. I just…Mia can be a powerful force in her own right and a part of me didn’t want her to interfere with what’s between us. I have never felt this way about anyone before and it’s selfish, but I wanted to keep it to ourselves for as long as we could.”

“She doesn’t want to tear us apart, Cullen. She wants her brother back. She wants you to know you’re still family and that she supports us.”

He glanced down. “I should recognize that, but some habits die hard. I _will_ do better. I will go retrieve the other letters—”

“You can do that in the morning,” she interrupted as she placed a hand on his forearm to prevent him from leaving. “I thought you said you could teach me to sew.”

“Right _now_? There is nothing to repair…”

“Then would you kiss me instead?”

“Of course.”

“And then write Mia an _apology_ letter.”

He frowned. “But I—"

“No letter, no more staying the night with me.”

“You would do that?” His gaze locked with hers in shock, his expression almost one of pouting. _Almost_.

“ _Yes_.”

He sighed. He grumbled as he made a pout face for certain this time, “Fine.”

“Good. Now I’ll take my kiss please.”

“As you wish.”


	3. Stubble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen shaves. Someone isn’t happy about it. Fluff ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just fluff 😁

Three weeks. It had been three weeks since the Inquisitor’s victory over Corypheus. Three weeks since the first celebration. Since that time, there had been numerous other celebrations of various sizes. But this day had seen the most important visitors in attendance. Those representing the interests of Ferelden, Orlais, and several Free March city-states were among the honored guests Josephine had managed to persuade into coming to Skyhold. The Ambassador was attempting to still quell some of the outstanding political fallout from Corypheus’ war. What to do about the remaining rogue Red Templars, Venatori, and the remnants of the Templar Order as well of the fate of the mages were all hot topics that she wanted to address.

With those high profile guests in attendance, Josephine had requested Cullen not to wear armor and to look presentable. He had blatantly refused to wear the blood red uniform from the Winter Palace. To his surprise, the Antivan had agreed as long as it was still formal and not brown. He was on the verge of protesting when he remember a particular formal jacket the Ambassador had gifted him for Satinalia. It was blue and would compliment a certain dress Nyssa had yet to wear.

With her by his side, the Commander had managed to maneuver this way through the night without any major incidents. It was clear that many people had come to accept the fact he and the historian were now together. Of course there were still those that did not care and tried to gain their attention in all sorts of ways. As Cullen had assured Anyssa from the start, his heart belonged to her and the attempts of others failed.

Now after the evening had ended and the former Templar found himself laying in a bed he was slowly growing accustomed to sharing with another, he glanced out the large window to the mountains beyond. The twin moons cast a soft white light on the snow covered peaks as the fire from the hearth crackled in the room. He was simply happy to be with the one who had captured his heart, the woman from another world who had overcome so much to be with him. He smiled as he remembered all the small things that had led to him finally telling her that he loved her.

He lay on his back propped up slightly by the pillows as she laid against him, her head resting on his shoulder. He rested both his arms around her as he recalled the way she had looked at him the first time he confessed his feelings, the first time she had been brave enough to kiss him, the first time they held hands, the first time she allowed him to touch her without jumping, the first time she had sought him out to talk. There were so many firsts with her that he had already experiences. There were so many more he want to experience. He would give her everything she wanted…

“You shaved.” Her soft voice break him from his thoughts, Nyssa obviously not asleep as he had assumed.

He glanced down to see her peering up at him, her chin resting on his shoulder. Arching an eyebrow, he replied, “I do shave, Nys. I thought you might have noticed this by now.”

She made a face. “I do notice but you’ve shaved two days in a row…”

Not understanding where she was going with her comment, he said, “I do not wish to have a beard.”

“And?”

“And what, Nys? I have never had a beard as long as you have known me,” he said. “I do not wish to have one now.”

“But you shave every three days…not every day,” she murmured.

Cullen furrowed his brow. Did he really detect a note of disappointment in her voice? “Anyssa, are you disappointed that I shaved?”

She averted her eyes, almost as if in embarrassment. He ran a hand through her honey blonde hair as he asked gently, “Do you like my stubble?”

She nodded without looking at him. He grinned despite himself. “You _do_ like it.”

Anyssa huffed and attempted to turn from him. He prevented her as he admitted, “I shaved at Josephine’s request. She felt that the Commander of the Inquisition’s army must be clean shaven for our esteemed guests.”

Anyssa exhaled sharply. “But I don’t—”

He watched as she cut herself off. “You don’t _what_?”

“I—You can do whatever you want with your stubble—beard—whatever…but I _like_ your stubble,” she blurted out.

He grinned. “As I like your hair down…”

To emphasis his point, he stroked her long tresses as she whispered, “I know…I just…It doesn’t feel the same when you…”

She trailed off as if embarrassed again. He attempted to encourage her as they were both still learning how to be with one another. “When I what?”

She buried her face in his chest as she mumbled, “When you kiss me and nuzzle my hair and stuff…”

“And _stuff_?” he echoed as he attempted to keep the amusement out of his voice. She was so adorable when she was like this.

Slowly she glanced up at him. “It’s just…I like it and it tickles sometimes and does other things too.”

Arching his eyebrow with interest, he echoed, “Other things?”

“I…I…When you do that I want more…I mean that I feel like….I just…”

“Nys, do you want me to kiss you when I do that?”

She nodded.

“Do you want me to touch you more?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“I—I don’t know…We haven’t talked about that…I don’t know if I’m ready for more than what we’ve—”

“I would never do anything that you would—that you do not want me to do. I swear, Nys,” Cullen promised as he cupped her cheek.

She nodded and leaned into his touch. “I just want to—I don’t want you to think that I am—that I don’t want you to think I don’t want more—”

He hooked a finger under her chin. “Anyssa McBride, I will have you know that I only want what you are willing to give. I will never accept more than that. If it takes longer than you think it should, then it does. This is new for both of us.”

She smiled shyly at him as she caressed his cheek. “You are too good to me.”

He shook his head. “I thought you were too good for me.”

She sighed. “You told me that one day I would believe I was worth something and you would keep reminding me of it until I believed it. That night on the way to Montevelan after the rift I remembered traveling through the rift. I remembered because of finally accepting who I am and that I am worth something. You helped with that. So why wouldn’t the same be true for you?”

Anyssa was very good at turning his own words and promises back on him when she wished to. He gave her a half grin as he kissed her. “I suppose I have no choice but to believe you.”

She grinned. “Good. So I can assume you won’t be shaving every day then?”

He nodded. “I will resume my normal shaving routine starting tomorrow just for you.”

Her grin widened as she tilted her head as if in thought. “Is Varric right when he said you used to have a beard?”

He narrowed his eyes, unprepared for that particular subject to come up. “I, ah, yes.”

She waited patiently for an explanation. He grumbled about the damned dwarf and begrudgingly added, “I wore a beard from the time of my vows in Ferelden to the end of my tenure in Kirkwall…And yes before you say that dwarf told you, I also had curly hair. Hence the ridiculous nickname.”

“But I like your curls.”

“And they are only for you now.”

She smiled. “Why did you change all that?”

Cullen took a moment to formulate an answer. Whenever anyone brought it up, he usually evaded the question with something along the lines of it wasn’t their concern. But this was Nyssa. He could tell her.

“My hair was once shorter and curly. It was a point of teasing for those in the Order with whom I served. They thought it made me look boyish. I grew the beard in an attempt to look older, more mature. I kept it while I served in Kirkwall until I accepted Cassandra’s offer,” he explained at length. “I—When I chose to leave the Order, for the first time since I was 13 I could chose for myself…I wanted to be rid of anything associated with my former life…I chose to wear my hair differently, to not have a beard…”

“You let your hair grow out so you could style it but you don’t shave every day…”

“I realize I put more effort into my hair than shaving but I have always had a…neat appearance as was expected of a Templar especially a Knight-Captain. After I left the Order, I suppose having stubble was a subtle form of rebellion…”

She kissed the smooth skin of his jawline. “I know those are very important reasons and they existed before you met me. But I am very glad you decided to rebel in such a subtle way.”

He knew he sounded like he was purring as she kissed her way to his lips but in that moment he didn’t care. He was happy. “I will keep the stubble then, my lady. But I will have to investigate exactly why you like it in greater detail.”

He leaned in and began kissing the hollow his her throat. “Cullen.”

“I chose to leave to Order. I chose to join the Inquisition. I chose to cease taking lyrium. I chose to walk this path but I did not choose to fall in love with you. My choices for once _brought_ me to something good in my life and I do not wish to be without that…ever,” he murmured against her soft skin between kisses.

“Cullen, I am glad for that…” she replied as she hugged him tightly.

“Good. I will continue to choose to wear stubble…” he murmured as he continued to kiss her.

She hummed her agreement as he realized how far he had come since accepting Cassandra’s offer to lead the Divine’s army. How much he had overcome and what he had gained. He would not waste his second chance, his new life. He would continue to learn who he was meant to be and do so with Nyssa by his side. Together they could have the future they wanted no matter what they faced.


	4. Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen finds a lull in his duties and seeks out Nyssa. Discovering her in the tunnels below Skyhold, the couple discover that while things from their pasts will still make unwelcomed appearances, those things do not have to control their present. Talking and listening to one another will only make their future better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of restraint and physical/emotional abuse associated with it; not graphic but is explained by Nyssa because of an innocent act by Cullen

“Anyssa? Are you down here?” Cullen called not for the first time in the vast networks of corridors below Skyhold. The torch lit tunnels were remnants from previous incarnations of the fortress.

Anyssa and a team of surveyors had been mapping them for months as time allowed. The goal was to see if any of it was usable, dangerous, or might recover lost knowledge. In the months since their arrival at Skyhold they had discovered much about the previous occupants and it had come to be a place for Anyssa to escape to when she felt the need.

Currently it was just before the evening meal and the Commander had found an unusual lull in his duties. Even with Corypheus’ defeat, paperwork and the demand for his time by various parties was still very much present. Taking advantage of it, he had sought her out. Of course, that had occurred during a time the historian had elected to retreat to the tunnels.

“Maker’s breath! Why do you have to enjoy tight spaces?” he muttered to himself as he continued down the corridor.

A female voice giggled from behind him. “You did not complain when you pulled me into the supply closet yesterday.”

He exhaled sharply as he turned to see Anyssa step out of a doorway he hadn’t even noticed. “I had a very _specific_ purpose in mind then.”

“And you don’t now?” she asked with a mischievous grin.

Cullen ignored it. “Nyssa, you’ve been following me, haven’t you?”

All she did was smile.

“Maker’s breath woman! You would have me get lost in these tunnels,” he said wiping a hand over his face.

“I wouldn’t let you get lost, Cullen,” Anyssa assured him as she took his gloved hand from his face.

He saw ice blue eyes staring back at him warmly. “I believe you, sweetling.”

The Commander watched as she cocked her head. “Is something the matter, Nyssa?”

“No. Not really. I just…”

“What?”

“I am not familiar with that word,” Anyssa answered. “Is it Fereldan?”

“ _Word_?”

“ _Sweetling_ ,” she repeated quietly.

“Oh,” Cullen said turning slightly red. “I did not realize I was using it…”

“Is…that a bad thing?” Anyssa asked hesitantly. They had only been together since his return from the Shrine of Dumat roughly four months ago. And only in recent weeks had they even admitted beyond their circle of friends they were involved with one another.

He looked up noting her uncertain tone. “Maker, no! I only meant…I do not have experience…like others you may have been involved with.”

The woman from Earth shook her head. “I don’t want anything like that.”

The hard edge in her usual soft voice caught him off guard. “Nyssa?”

“I’m sorry, Cullen. It’s just…you _aren’t_ anything like them…from Earth,” she tried to explain.

Cullen looked at her as if still not understanding. She sighed and said with a simply shrug, “You’re _better_.”

The Commander couldn’t help but smile at her simple words. The meaning of them warmed his heart and made him proud. He knew it was foolish to take pride in being better than other men no matter their heritage, but he couldn’t help it. No one had told him that before.

He took a couple of steps forward, closing the distance between them. “Really?

Anyssa fidgeted under his gaze. “I don’t lie.”

“I know, _sweetling_ ,” he replied, deliberately using the endearment. He hooked a gloved finger under her chin bringing her eyes back to him. “It is just that…no one has told me such things before…I—”

“Cullen, you’ve _always_ treated me with kindness and respect even when you thought I was looney,” Anyssa replied sincerely.

“I never—You _aren’t_ looney as you say,” the Commander objected in surprise.

“You thought I was when I first appeared,” she pressed. “You said I could have not possibly be from another world and that I was a mad woman.”

Cullen narrowed his eyes. “I never said you were a mad woman.”

“Not to my face,” she smirked. “You said it to Leliana in Orlesian. That’s like French on my world remember?”

“I—” he clamped his mouth shut when he realized she as right. He had said it shortly after hearing her explain how she arrived in Thedas for the first time. Later he had made Leliana and Cassandra leave to give her rest and had soon changed his mind about their new guest. His life had only gotten better since that day.

Her smirk grew wider when she saw he knew she was correct. She had grown bolder with her teasing since their first kiss. There was one way to cease her teasing. “See? I remember things better than—”

Anyssa was cut off when Cullen’s lips crashed into hers. His tongue demanding entrance as his hands pushed her gently against the tunnel wall. He held both of her wrists above her head with his left as his right hand rested on her hip. One of his legs founds its way between her thighs, pinning her to the wall.

He continued to kiss her as Anyssa began struggling against him. A whimper from her caused the Commander to stop. Pulling back, Cullen heard her say softly, “Please, let go.”

“Nyssa?” he asked not understanding. She had never asked for him to stop before.

“ _Please_ ,” she repeated moving her wrists.

Cullen’s eyes darted to his hand holding hers in a loose grip. He immediately let go at the same time he began to withdrawal from her. A noise of protest and hands gripping his mantle stopped him. “No please.”

He glanced down at the top of her head as she laid it against his shoulder. Unsure what to do with his hands, they hovered near her shoulders. “Sweetling, I do not know what to do. What—Why—”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered clinging to him in a death grip. “It was…That was…You didn’t mean to, but it reminded me—”

Understanding dawning on the Commander as he finally placed his arms around her in a reassuring embrace. “Nyssa, has someone… _restrained_ you before?”

Even though he chose his words carefully, their implication turned his stomach. Yet he waited patiently for her response. He felt her shift against him as she began slowly, “I—He did it to prove a point. To prove he was right, and I was wrong…He wanted me to know he could do anything he wanted without me being able to do anything…It was just him showing me he was in control…”

Cullen gently titled her face to look at him. His thumb wiping away the tears he wasn’t sure she knew she as shedding. “Did he _hurt_ you?”

“It—Not exactly…He would hold me down…Sometimes my wrists would hurt afterwards but—”

“ _No_ , Nys. Do not make excuses for him. He _hurt_ you. It doesn’t matter how. The fact is he did,” Cullen interrupted. He could feel his anger rising within him. A man a world away still caused her pain even though she were with another now.

The Commander shut his eyes as he continued to hold her. “I can’t—If I ever were to have the chance to make him pay…”

He trailed off, remembering previous conversations about Bryan. He whispered, “Forgive me.”

“You didn’t do anything.”

“I made you remember something horrible.”

“You didn’t know, Cullen.”

He opened his eyes again to see her ice blue ones looking tenderly as him. “Maybe I should have told you, but now you know…Having someone genuinely care about me like you…it takes some getting used to.”

“Tell me if anything ever bothers you like that again, sweetling,” he urged. “ _Promise_ me.”

“I will. I promise.”

“Nyssa,” he said in a warning tone.

“I _will_ …I just… _Why_ did you do that?”

Cullen considered her question. She was well within her rights to ask but he wasn’t sure of the answer himself. “I do not know…It just seemed…I did not mean to harm you…Maker! _Did_ I hurt you?”

His hands dropped to her wrists as he inspected them. He knew he as quite a bit stronger than her and always attempted to be mindful of that. She sighed. “No, Cullen. You didn’t. You’re better, remember?”

He looked at her uncertainly, answering in a hushed whisper, “I try to be.”

“You _are_ ,” she stated firmly leaving no room for doubt. She kissed him chastely as his hands rose to her upper arms. “Trust me you are.”

He rested his forehead against hers, gazing into her eyes. “For you, I will always try, sweetling. I love you.”

Anyssa hummed in contentment as the Commander kissed her harder, hugging her to his chest. He kissed her over and over, holding her protectively, trying to assure her she had nothing to fear from him. He genuinely wanted to be a better man. Anyssa already thought he was, and he promised himself he would not disappoint her. Things with her, _because_ of her, would always be better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was meant to show that Nyssa still has triggers related to her past relationship with Bryan. Some she knows about, others she doesn't. As someone who didn't know about some of her own triggers until she was in a stable, healthy relationship, I thought Nys might experience the same. This is NOT meant to cast Cullen as an abuser or anything like that. My current husband is to me what Cullen is to Anyssa. He listens and helps me through things I still find trigger me. By the same token, Cullen does that for Nys. An innocent act can cause harm. But once it's identified and corrected, the trigger can be avoided. And Cullen most defiantly is better than Bryan. (Sorry for the soapbox lecture, but I just wanted to make this clear.)


	5. Proper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doubt rears it’s ugly head when Anyssa asks why Cullen insists on being so proper, keeping their relationship as private as possible. Knowing he is not always the best with words, the Commander still finds the right ones to chase away her doubts and make her smile again.

“Are you---I mean have you always been so…proper?” Anyssa asked as Cullen attempted once again to instruct her in the game of chess. They sat in in the garden’s gazebo during a lull in his afternoon duties. The historian had set aside her own tasks to spend time with him outdoors instead of her study or his office or her quarters. He was incredibly private about their relationship and it had gotten her thinking.

“ _Proper_?” he echoed as he moved his knight.

“Yes. Well-mannered. Never a harsh word even though your eyes say otherwise. Never a curse,” she clarified as she fingered a pawn.

“Is that such a terrible thing?” the Commander asked as she saw her hesitate while considering her move.

“1 or 2 spaces?” she asked unsure.

“Normally one forward only. Unless its’ the pawn’s very first move then 2,” he explained as he studied her. “Now why are my _manners_ in question suddenly? At least I have them.”

“Yes, and I am most grateful for them,” Anyssa replied as she moved the pawn two spaces forward. “But…”

Cullen straightened up in his chair. “But what, Nyssa?”

“Please don’t take this the wrong way…”

He furrowed his brow. “This is beginning to sound rather ominous, sweetling.”

Anyssa sighed as she stared at the board. “I don’t mean it to be…It’s…You are so nice and polite, and you hardly ever see me outside…Literally outside, outdoors and you…It seems you go out of your way to see me in my study or quarters or your office or somewhere private…on purpose.”

The Commander was silent for a long time. They had been together for less than 4 months and were still learning about each other. But of all the things that might bother her or for her to be curious about, his politeness and manners were what concerned her. “You are bothered by my manners and want for privacy?” he finally asked furrowing his brow further.

“No, well, yes,” Anyssa stammered as she wrung her hands. A mannerism he had come to associate with nervousness and uncertainty. “I just…The politeness is welcome, but it seems like you are holding back and the privacy…I…A part of me thinks— _illogically_ —that you’re ashamed to be seen with me or be with me—I—”

“Anyssa McBride! Stop this utter nonsense this instance,” Cullen demanded loudly. She froze turning a shade of pink at his volume. Cullen leaned forward and took her hand. In a softer voice, he said, “Forgive me, Nys.”

She did not look at him nor did she reply. Cullen exhaled sharply as he pinched the bridge of his nose. How could she think— _at all_ —that he was ashamed of her? He till found it hard to believe she was with him to begin with…

“Nyssa, I could never be ashamed too be seen with you or to be with you. We frequently take walks along the battlements and go horseback riding in the valley. As for as my politeness, my mother drilled manners and etiquette into all her children. Farmers or not, she made us civilized at least in most company,” Cullen tried to clarify as he looked at her.

The historian still refused to look at him. “Anyssa, you must look at me. It is the polite thing to do when someone is attempting to answer a question you asked.”

His mixture of sincerity and humor garnered the desired reaction. Ice blue eyes found their way back to his golden-brown ones. He smiled at her, squeezing her hand. “Thank you, sweetling.”

Anyssa nodded as he noted, “Those answers are not the ones you were looking for are they?”

“I…want them to be but…”

“Your past still has an unwelcome hold over you, making you doubt anything good that happens to you,” he finished for her. His words letting her know he understood where she was coming from.

Cullen turned his gaze down to the chessboard. How could he tell her she had nothing to fear? His actions were natural. His caution natural. He had no ulterior motives. A thought fluttered to the front of his mind. The tunnels…

He began by continuing to look at the chess set. “You told me not too long ago I was a better man. Better than men you have been involved with before; better than I give myself credit for.”

The Commander raised his head to once again peer into ice blue eyes. “I implore you now to continue to believe I am a better man and that my actions and motives are true. I act in the way I do so that I do not cause you dishonor…or hurt you. I could nor bare that, my lady.”

“Cullen, I am sorry. I never meant to doubt you…” she replied quietly as she fidgeted.

He looked at her empathetically. He knew all too well what doubts could led to if left unchecked. He began putting away the chess game. “Do not apologize. You have done nothing wrong. We simply need to talk.”

“But we weren’t finished—”

“Something more important had caught my attention,” he said pointedly.

“ _Oh_. Alright,” Anyssa murmured disappointedly.

Cullen glanced back to her as he reached for her pieces. “Oh, no, Nyssa. We are not…That is--The game is over but I would like…to talk to you _elsewhere_.”

Her blue eyes lit up at his words, a small smile tugging at her lips. He nodded and turned the smile. Cullen knew as long as he saw that smile no matter how small, doubt had not won and hope still existed.

~~~~~~

They entered her quarters in over the garden much to Anyssa’s confusion. Cullen closed the door behind them, noting her expression. “I thought you might be more comfortable _here_.”

She nodded as she moved to the window seat of the large window between her bed and desk. Anyssa sat facing him, hands gripping the cushion. The Commander regarded her thoughtfully as he walked towards her. “Nyssa, you do know that I care for you and I want my actions to reflect that? You do know that I love you and want to be with you?”

“Yes,” she replied nodding as her eyes darted to the stuffed dragon on her bed he had given her.

“Good,” Cullen murmured as he changed direction to pluck the dragon named Puff from the covers. Carrying it over to her, he said, “The reason I am the way I am is… _complicated_. It all started with my mother’s insistence that her children be well mannered, polite, and considerate. I suppose I took it to heart more than what was expected…Perhaps I have never been good with words, but I could always be polite.”

Anyssa took the dragon from him as she smiled. “I have never heard anyone say you are rude…You are apparently polite even when your temper flares. Most of the time.”

Cullen rubbed the back of his neck. “Yes, well, I am …I believe order, _decorum_ should take precedence when dealing with business and duty. It…helps to make things more efficient, organized.”

“Less drama?” she asked glancing up at him as she hugged Puff.

He nodded. “Spending almost 20 years in a military service of one sort or another leaves one with little tolerance for nonsense.”

Anyssa nodded as she looked into the stuffed dragon’s eyes. “You don’t want drama in your personal life either.”

Cullen shifted, frowning. “I do not want unwanted opinions in my private life, in _our_ relationship…I have contended with rumors regarding my romantic life for years and now that I finally have one, I am afraid I am fiercely protective of it.”

He moved closer to her causing the historian to look up. “I have never allowed myself since the Ferelden Circle to feel this way…I want to do right by you, to do the _proper_ thing. This is the only way I know how.”

Anyssa hugged the dragon. “I shouldn’t have let my past color this.”

Cullen used a gloved hand to tilt her chin up. “We both have pasts we must over come. Remember that.”

Blue eyes looked at him, wanting to believe his words. He gave her a tender smile. “I care for you a great deal, my lady. I am not ashamed of our relationship. I…want to…do right by you. I want to be the better man you believe my to be.”

She nodded closing her eyes as he cupped her cheek. Cullen watched in fascination as she leaned her head into his hand. “Thank you for having patience with me.”

The Commander dropped to his knees, placing his other hand on hers still holding the dragon. “Sweetling, I should be saying that to _you_. I am still unsure how to go about this but you? You have been whisked away from everything you have ever known and deposited into a land where you are having to relearn nearly everything. I can only imagine what that has been like, but I am her for you.”

Anyssa leaned forward, resting her forehead against his. “I hope you know how much that means to me.”

“I think I do,” he replied with a smirk he added, “How else would you start a fire?”

“Cullen Stanton Rutherford! That is unnecessary!” Anyssa exclaimed as she playfully pushed against his chest.

“Forgive me, my lady,” he replied with a smirk. Leaning in, he whispered into her ear. “How shall I properly make up this indiscretion to you?”

Anyssa visibly shivered as he spoke, still getting used to that side of the Commander. He kissed her temple. “Only what you would allow, sweetling.”

She bit her lip and chanced a look at him. “A horseback ride outside of Skyhold? Only you and me…on Ajax?”

Cullen frowned. The request was so simple, yet her tone was so unsure. Was she truly that uncertain he would grant her request? Bryan’s legacy was still at work. Maybe it would always linger but the Commander would not let it win. He would always remind her of her inner strength and her true worth.

He must have been quiet for too long because Nyssa began shifting nervously on the window seat. “I…Never mind…You are busy—”

The Commander quickly kissed her, cutting her off mid-sentence. “I am busy, but I can manage to make time for you.”

“Cullen, you don’t have to—”

“Nyssa, I _want_ to,” he assured her firmly. “I _want_ this with you. I know that may be hard to understand given what you have told me, but I swear to the Maker I want this. I _want_ you.”

Anyssa nodded and smiled. “Keep telling me that?”

Cullen kissed her forehead. “I will tell you as many times as needed and then some, sweetling. I promise. It’s only the proper thing to do.”


	6. Name Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen goes out of his way to surprise Anyssa on a day that should be special for her but past experience has led her to believe otherwise.

He couldn’t forget this year or let anything sidetrack him. Corypheus was dealt with and the need to constantly find allies and resources had diminished greatly. This year he had no excuse, no reason not to make it perfect. No reason to put it off because he thought it wasn’t good enough. He would make it good enough. Anyssa was worth it.

Cullen Rutherford glanced down at the box in his hand. It was currently wrapped in blue cloth with a white ribbon. It had almost been a nightmare to find it. He’d only caught a glimpse of it when he’d passed the shop in Val Royeaux during the mess with Blackwall/Rainer. He’d taken a walk through the unfamiliar streets while the Inquisitor talked with the imposter Grey Warden in an attempt to clear his head. How could someone lie like that? Or at least that had been the question on his mind at the time. During the months since, Cullen had come to better understand the other man’s motives and was slowly coming to trust him again.

During that walk he had chanced upon a market district. Lined with every kind of shop one could imagine, he had passed several he wondered if Anyssa would ever want to visit. The clothes shops maybe. The book shops definitely. He wasn’t sure about the jewelry shops and had avoided the questionable intimate appeal shops like the plague. But one shop had caught his eye. One that featured things for hair. Clips, berets, combs…

Of course he hadn’t the time to thoroughly investigate it as an Inquisition runner had found him with Evelyn’s decision on Blackwall. But all these months later, he still remembered the one piece that had caught his attention in the first place. He had racked his brain trying to figure out how to get the piece without drawing Nyssa’s suspicion. He couldn’t leave Skyhold just for it but how would he get it then?

Of course it had been Josephine and Vivienne to the rescue when they inquired about what he intend to do. Cullen did his best to describe the item as well as the shop from memory for the Ambassador who patiently wrote it all down. In her attempt to make sense of his description, she asked a few clarifying questions and then declared she had enough. Cullen hadn’t seen how at the time. To him, what he had told her made little to no sense. In true Josephine style, she assured him she would have it taken care of.

It wasn’t until later that he discovered the Madame de Fer had used her connections in Val Royeaux to procure the item as well as expedite its arrival in Skyhold for the specific date it was needed. Cullen had thanked both women profusely and said he owed them a personal favor. Josephine dismissed such a claim as only helping a friend while Vivienne smiled saying only that what he owed would be paid back by taking care of Anyssa.

Now Cullen stood in Nyssa’s study waiting for her to return from her meeting with Dagna. The archanist dwarf had yet again proved to know more than others in relation to enchanted items and the like. This time it had been some dwarven artifacts recovered from the ruins under Caer Bronach. The historian hoped to have a report written and ready to ship with the artifacts back to Orzammar by the end of the week. Knowing of the meeting before hand, Cullen had asked Dagna to take just a little longer than normal so he could orchestrate his surprise.

Dressed in a formal coat trimmed in blue with matching shirt and trousers, he had forgone the armor in hopes of surprising Anyssa further. All around the circular room were carefully placed candles and a few incense burners. The scent of cherry blossoms permeated the air as he gave the usually chaotically covered desk a once over. He had carefully moved all her work into a crate off to the side and spread a table cloth over the desk. A small feast covered the desk with all of Nyssa’s favorite foods and desserts. A bundle of Crystal Grace was centered in a vase amidst the food. At least he had been able to procure some in time…

A turn of the door knob at the end of the hall leading to the circular study caught his attention as he quickly turned back to the entrance. He had pulled the curtains shut so she wouldn’t be able to see anything until reaching the study. He heard a noise of confusion as she made her way down the short corridor. He smiled. She would be annoyed at first but surely she would change her mind…

“I didn’t close this,” her voice called as the curtain parted revealing the historian.

“I did,” the Commander clarified as he stood in the center of her study, wrapped box in hand.

She looked as if she were about to ask why when her eyes darted from him to what was behind him. Her brow furrowed in confusion as she took a few steps forward and then stopped. Her eyes took in his semi-formal attire as she asked, “Cullen, what are you doing?”

“Attemptinging to make up for past mistakes and give you a day you deserve,” he answered softly, as he extended the box towards her. “Happy birthday, Nys.”

McBride shook her head. “I only mentioned it once. Back in Haven. Why—How—”

“You should know by now I pay attention to what you say, Anyssa,” he chided as he took a step forward bridging the distance between them.

“But—”

“I did not do your birthday justice last year,” he explained further. “I gave you the gloves that match your scarf yes. But that was a practical gift. One that was not wrapped or given any ceremony when presented to you…I want this year to be different. I want to do it _properly_.”

“You make it sound like it is some great holiday,” she muttered looking at his chest, clearly embarrassed by the attention he was showing her.

“It is. It’s _your_ holiday, and I intend to celebrate it correctly this year and every year after,” he declared as he wiggled the box in front of her. “This is for you.”

Ice blue eyes glanced shyly up at him as she took the box from him. Inspecting it slowly, she carefully untied the white ribbon. Folding back the decorative blue cloth, a small ornate wooden box was revealed. It was more opulent than what Cullen normally used, and he hoped the expression on his face would let her know that had been on purpose.

He took the ribbon and cloth from her as he watched her once again hesitate to open the box. She seemed to struggled with the fact that someone had taken it upon themselves to make a day that should have been hers, special. Even if it was him, she struggled. Her past with Bryan really had destroyed any sense of worth she had or the notion that her birthday should be a day of celebration and honoring her. Cullen set his jaw, determined to help her overcome one more obstacle from her past, to defeat the ghost that still lingered from her former life. He had promised her not to long ago he would do things properly. This would be no different.

He set aside the wrapping and placed his hands over hers around the gift. Softly he said, “This day is yours. It is about _you_. It is perfectly acceptable to indulge in things you want to do today, for others to celebrate with you, to give you gifts, to dote on you. You are _allowed_ this, and I am going to do everything in my power to prove that to you.”

He gently squeezed her hands and then let go. She glanced up at his encouraging smile and then lifted the lid of the small box. Inside she found a small assortment of hair combs, the color of her scarf. Each had its own motif, but all shared the same color blue Cullen had come to associate with her. There were floral ones, beaded ones, abstract ones, but nothing she would not wear. All of his other gifts had been practical: a scarf, shampoo, gloves, a cloak, a blanket he let her keep after she refused to return it, books. But never anything close to decorative or ornate. These were practical in the sense they would be used in her hair but more than that, they were more than what was required to keep her hair out of her eyes. They were picked by him because they reminded him of her and how she was worth more than just practical items. He did not mean to be materialistic but spoiling her with things like the hair combs every once in a while was well worth it.

The Commander watched as she trailed her fingers over every one of the combs, almost as if she were afraid they weren’t real. She bit her bottom lip as she finally looked up at him again. “You didn’t have to—I never thought—It’s been so long since…”

He smiled at her as he caressed her cheek with the knuckles of his left hand. “This is a new beginning remember? For both of us. We can decide how we live now. And I choose to give you everything you have never had before. To show you how it should have been the whole time. To be better like you believe me to be.”

“Cullen, you did all this just to do that?” Anyssa asked uncertainly as she gestured past him to the food laden desk and candles.

He nodded without saying anything else. He watched as she let her gaze wander around her study, repurposed for her birthday celebration. The light from the dozens of candles he had lit flickered across her face as she held the box of hair combs to her chest.

“Cherry blossoms,” she whispered as her blue eyes flickered up to him.

He nodded once again as he moved beside her, resting a hand at the small of her back. He began guiding her towards her desk now serving as a table. “I remembered and I thought you might like some of the foods you’ve grown to like here in Thedas.”

Anyssa took in all the food choices; probably more than the two of them could consume but it meant something. All of it food that had once been foreign to her, now things she looked forward to. Most of the selections were not commonly served in Skyhold save for special occasions. And Cullen could not think of a more special occasion than his love’s birthday. He watched once again as she seemed to be overwhelmed with what was laid out in front of her.

Slowly she neared the edge of the desk and ghosted her fingertips over the petals of the Crystal Grace flowers. Anyssa turned to him with a questioning expression. “Why Crystal Grace? Isn’t it difficult to grow this high in the mountains?”

“It is…but it was worth getting it here,” Cullen replied as she tilted her head, clearly expecting a more detailed answer. He sighed. He might as well come clean. “Mia sent the seeds to me a few months ago. I might have used my position to find an appropriate place to grow them so I could give it to you.”

“Mia sent the seeds? Why?”

“Our mother had a Crystal Grace plant our father had given her during their first year together. It bloomed every year until the Blight came to Honnleath. Mia was able to save some seeds from it, and Rosalie has been growing them in honor of our parents in South Reach for the past 10 years. She thought you might like the flower…”

“I do,” McBride murmured with a small smile. “You’ve thought of everything.”

“Maybe not everything but I will get better with practice since we will be doing this every year,” he said confidently.

She looked up at him. “You really wanted to make this special.”

“Of course, sweetling,” he said setting the box aside on the desk as he took her in his arms. “I would do anything to see you smile.”

Anyssa bit her bottom lip as if hesitant to say something. Finally she whispered, “Kiss me then?”

“As my lady wishes,” he acquiesced with a tender smile. Complying willingly with her request, he made a silent promise to her that she would never want for anything ever again. That she would always have cause to celebrate her birthday and every day. That she would never feel alone or unwanted again.

The bounce of the woman in his arms on her tip toes as she wrapped her own arms around his neck was all the conformation he needed to know he had made the right choices so far. That she knew he meant everything he both said and did. That he would never take her fore granted or forsake her.

Even though it was her birthday, Cullen couldn’t help but feel as if he had been the one to receive a gift. The best gift anyone could receive, and he held her in his arms and would never let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say on tumblr  
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/aricazorel


	7. Inspiration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassandra loans her copy of Swords and Shields to Anyssa. Shortly afterward, the historian learns where the Commander acquired some of his inspiration for spontaneity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***I don’t think this is triggering but this chapter features a section in which Nyssa and Cullen engage in a slightly more intimate act than I’ve shown before. It’s been alluded to but I haven’t written it. I don’t think it goes beyond the teen rating of AO3. Just to let you know.***

“Cassandra, I’m not sure I understand this. Is it supposed to be based on something?” Anyssa asked as she glanced down at the small stack of books on the table.

“Well, no. Perhaps loosely inspired by people and events but—haven’t you read his other works? I thought you had read all of Cullen’s? Varric gave him copies of his works didn’t he?” The Seeker asked as they sat in her space above the armory.

“Well, yes but Swords and Shields was _not_ one he wanted me to read so I never have…”

“Well now you can. I have all the books including the newest one. It will give you something distracting to read,” Pentaghast declared as she shoved her personal copies of the series at McBride.

“You are letting me borrow them?”

“Yes. Surely you will appreciate them more than the Tevinter did.”

“Cassandra, why do you think I need to read these? I have plenty of things to distract me,” Anyssa noted as she looked the books over. She knew full well how much the Seeker loved them and how much Varric was loathed to write any more.

“Staring at a shirtless commander practicing with his men is not the only kind of distraction,” the Nevarran noted as she refilled their tea cups.

McBride smiled at her smugly. “He doesn’t have to be practicing for me to see him shirtless. I see that most every night and every morning.”

“You are incorrigible,” the Seeker muttered as she surveyed the honey blonde woman. “Surely you realize what people already think about you mooning over him while he runs the morning drills.”

“Gossip is _not_ something I really enjoy listening to,” Anyssa murmured.

“Well, surely you know of the opinions people have on Cullen’s mooning over you as you give tours and lectures to the nobles who pass through Skyhold,” Cassandra pressed.

“I don’t think—”

“These books are literature. Smutty literature. It isn’t real. It’s s release from our everyday expectations, realities, and assumptions others make. You and Cullen have something wonderful which others will try to influence for good or ill. Distracting yourselves from those people can make a difference…I simply thought to help,” Cassandra explained as she sat with her arms folded in front of her on the table.

“Thank you, Cassandra. I appreciate your concern. I’ll consider reading these,” McBride replied. “I’m not certain what Cullen’s reaction will be but—”

“There you are,” a voice called from the steps leading up to the loft area.

Anyssa turned to see an armor-less Cullen walking up the stairs as the Seeker muttered, “Speak of the devil.”

Cullen gave his friend a look as Anyssa said, “I was just having tea with Cassandra before the evening meal. I thought you were going to take longer.”

“We ended the meeting earlier than expected because Evelyn insisted she had made arrangements for some sort of dinner for herself and Josephine,” he explained as he stood at the top of the steps. “Apparently, they are having a romantic dinner in the Inquisitor’s quarters and Evie does not want the Lady Ambassador’s habit of over-detailing our social functions with nobles to ruin it.”

“What in Thedas are you talking about, Cullen?” Pentaghast asked as she glanced up at him from the table.

Anyssa giggled. “Evie has been trying to arrange some alone time with Josie for weeks now, but the Ambassador keeps coming up with things she believes must be done right then and there or the Inquisition will cave because one noble has the wrong color sheets to sleep on.”

“Josephine does put in a large number of hours to make sure everything runs smoothly across all of the Inquisition’s operations,” Casandra noted. “Even with some of our tasks becoming needed less, she toils endlessly.”

“Evie just wants some time with her to relax and be normal people,” McBride noted as she rose from the table with the books in hand.

“Much like you would like the Commander to do I suspect,” the Seeker pointed out with an accusing glare at the man in question.

“I spend time with Anyssa,” he said defensively. “That is why I am here presently in fact.”

Cassandra made her trademark disgusted noise and shook her head as Anyssa grinned. “What exactly did you need, Cullen?”

“ _You_ ,” he said simply.

Anyssa’s grin grew into a broad smile as she walked to him. “I am always glad to hear that.”

“I know,” he murmured as he took her free hand.

Cassandra made a noise of amusement as they both looked back at her. “You two make such an adorable couple.”

Cullen arched an eyebrow as Anyssa’s cheeks became tinged with pink. “You should hear what the men say about you and Rylen.”

“Rylen and I?” the Seeker echoed in disbelief. “What have you—”

“They are simply glad to see our Seeker smile when the Knight-Captain is near,” Cullen replied with a mischievous grin as he tugged the historian to his side. “I believe there is a letter from Rylen waiting for you. Leliana mentioned it before we adjourned for the night.”

Cassandra let out another disgusted noise which quickly changed into a menacing growl. “I will not have this discussion with you since there is nothing to discuss. The Knight-Captain and I are simply… _friends_. We exchange letters and enjoy each other’s company when our duties allow.”

As Anyssa followed Cullen down the steps, he threw over his shoulder, “Rylen will be back at Skyhold before Satinalia. His assignment at Griffon Wing Keep is nearly over.”

Anyssa waved goodbye to their friend as she caught the small grin pulling at the Seeker’s lips, her hands playing with a folded piece of parchment. Apparently Cassandra already knew of the letter and had read it. Maybe it had been what had inspired her to lend her copies of Swords and Shields to the Earth woman.

As the two made their way through the blacksmith’s forge to walk the narrow hallways back towards Anyssa’s quarters, the Commander chuckled, “Cassandra hasn’t been able to take her eyes off Rylen since they met in Kirkwall. It is good to see them continue to keep in touch.”

“She couldn’t keep her eyes off him? Really? Cassandra has a crush on Rylen?” Anyssa asked as they took a shorter route through some halls used by staff and servants.

“A _crush_?” Cullen asked in confusion as he placed a hand at the small of her back to guide her passed a messenger.

She nodded. “I suppose it’s like taking a shine to someone or maybe more like being sweet on them? I think that is an appropriate comparison.”

“Ah,” the former Templar said with a grin. “I would think then it was much like how I might have acted when you first came to us.”

“The way you acted?” she asked in surprise as she looked up into sincere golden brown eyes.

He nodded. “I apparently mooned over you from the beginning according to—well, anyone you may ask.”

“Cullen—”

“I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, but we’d only just met,” he confessed as he drew her closer to his side. “You were still incredibly vulnerable and I was not sure…I did not understand what I felt for you or why I felt so strongly after just meeting.”

Anyssa bit her lip as she tilted her head. They were still shy concerning certain areas of conversation. How they felt about each other early on was one of those. For him to admit she had caught his attention so early surprised her. It only showed her further how much restraint he was capable of by not acting on his feelings. He had been there for her regardless the whole time, never pressuring her to do more than she was ready to do.

“You said after the avalanche that you remembered why you wanted to protect, that you wanted to protect _me_ ,” she murmured as they paused their journey down the corridor.

He took her chin in hand and kissed her forehead. “I came so very close to losing you…I had never let myself care about anyone enough since leaving Ferelden when that was even an option…Before you, I had never had anyone to lose…and now…”

“I’m right here,” she said softly as she placed a hand over his heart, thankful he was without armor for once.

“And so you are,” he agreed with an adoring smile. He urged her to resume walking as he added, “I see that Cassandra is attempting to widen your horizons.”

Anyssa glanced down at the forgotten books as Cullen’s hand rested at the small of her back once more. “Umm, yeah. She thought I could use a distraction.”

“In that case you should skip ahead to page 33. There is a remarkably interesting scene right after the Knight-Captain returns to the barracks,” Cullen said.

“Page 33?” She echoed as she flipped to the page in question.

She skimmed a few lines and then made a face as her eyes went wide. Turning to the Commander she asked, “How did you know about that? I thought you hadn’t read these.”

“Dorian gave me the highlights,” was all he said with a smirk.

“You _did_ read these didn’t you?” She accused as she stopped in the narrow hall.

“Perhaps but I would prefer not to confirm or deny that,” he murmured as he turned to her.

“Cullen Rutherford, why won’t you tell me? You obviously know the stories,” she asked as he moved closer to her.

“I am entitled to keep some self indulgences to myself are I not?” He asked as he began maneuvering them towards a narrow door. “I am sure there are somethings you have not told me, and you do not have to.”

“I—ah—I don’t—I mean I do but I—"

“It’s okay, Nys. I respect your privacy just as you respect mine,” he said quietly as he ghosted his lips across her forehead.

“I know I—" she cut herself off as he reached around her to open the door. “Cullen, what are you doing?”

“Nothing as naughty as what is in those books Cassandra let you borrow.”

“ _Forcibly_ lent them more like it,” Anyssa muttered as she was backed into what turned out to be a supply closet.

As the Commander pulled to door behind them shut, McBride glanced around the small area lit only by the slightest bit of sunlight from a window near the ceiling. “You got this whole idea from these stupid books in the first place didn’t you? When you pulled me into that closet a few weeks ago…that was because of _these_.”

The Swords and Shields volumes were waved in front of him accusingly. Cullen’s response was to grin at her. She huffed as he took the books from her and laid them on a nearby shelf. Anyssa watched as he proceeded to edge her up against a wall. More than a year ago on Earth that would have frightened her. Months ago in Haven it would have scared her. Now it didn’t but only because it was Cullen and because she could trust him. She was still amazed at how easily that came to her and how she couldn’t see it any differently now.

Golden brown eyes regarded her with adoration and mischief as he rested his hands on her hips. “Those books are good for something at least.”

She made a face as he gently squeezed her waist. “Did you really need ideas on what to do with me when we are alone?”

“No. But inspiration should never be wasted.”

“Cullen Rutherford getting inspiration from Swords and Shields…Varric would love to know that.”

“And you will not tell him of course.”

“I don’t know…I might need some persuasion…”

“That, my lady, I can accommodate.”

She giggled as he leaned forward and kissed her. “Do you have any complaints about our alone time thus far?”

She shook her head slowly as he left a trail of butterfly kisses along her jaw down to her neck. He pressed a tender kiss to the pulse point on her throat as Anyssa moaned softly. She could feel him grin against her skin as he continued his way down to her partially exposed collar bone. Her hands flew to his chest of their own accord, attempting to keep her balanced. Cullen’s touch had never been one to not elicit a reaction from her. He spent time learning how to read her tells so as to give her exactly what she wanted. Unfortunately that ability did not extend to Wicked Grace.

“Is, my lady, content?” Cullen murmured as he pressed her firmly against the wall with his own body.

The only response she could muster was a short nod and a mewing sound. Encouraged by her reaction, the Commander moved one of her hands to his hair while the other rested beside her on the wall. Carefully he ghosted his hands along the skin of her arm from her elbow to her wrist. He momentarily broke contact with her lips to plant a tender kiss on the inside of her wrist. As he pulled back he locked eyes with her, his hand going to hold hers. He laced their fingers together, a silent promise that he remembered what she had told him weeks before and that he would never restrain her as Bryan had.

The historian smiled at him as his other hand slide around her waist, bringing them as close as possible. The hand feathering through his hair slowly made its way down to his neck then his shoulder and back to his chest where it had begun. She pushed aside his coat as he kissed her over and over. Running her fingers across his chest, she could feel the varying scars she knew were there, the well-toned muscles from training daily, the warmth that she had come to associate with his touch. Caressing him from his shoulder down to his stomach, she felt his breath hitch.

She opened her eyes to see him swallow slowly, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he paused in his ministrations. His eyes remained shut as his fingers squeezed hers tightly. Her hand trailed lower towards the waistband of his trousers but made no move to go lower. Her thumb rubbed gentle circles just below his naval as he took a ragged breath. The hand that had been around her waist suddenly shot between them, gently but firmly taking her hand and planting it flat against his stomach.

“Stop…You have to stop, Nys… _Please_ ,” his plea came out shakily in a whisper as his other hand remained clasped with hers in a death grip.

“Cullen?” she said his name in a hushed whisper, scared she had done something wrong.

“It’s alright, Nys. I’m—I’m alright. I just needed you to stop before something more happened,” he explained, his voice still shaky as he opened his eyes to meet her concerned blue orbs. “I…”

She tried to remove her hand from his stomach but was prevented when he brought it to his lips in a reassuring kiss. He said slowly, “We aren’t ready for more just yet, especially in a storage closest. You deserve better.”

“I thought I had done something wrong,” she said softly.

“Oh no, sweetling! You were doing something very right, but I don’t want us to go that far in a random storage closet. We do have some expectations that exceed what is written in Cassandra’s smutty literature.”

She smile up at him as she tugged her hands from his and wrapped her arms around his stomach under his coat. Hugging him, she said, “I suppose we both have things to learn about how the other wants to be—how the other likes certain things.”

“Yes, but perhaps we should limit our excursions into storage closets.”

“ _You_ have been responsible each and every time that has occurred.”

“I realize that…I suppose I need to find some other way to be spontaneous.”

“You be spontaneous? Do you know the meaning of the word?”

“I am learning how to be thanks to a very lovely historian. She gives me plenty of motivation to try new things.”

Anyssa smiled as he hugged her back. If she were able to inspire him to try things he had always wanted to, she could live with that. After all, he inspired her to do things she had long forgotten she enjoyed. Either way, they would never be lost for inspiration as long as they were together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m working on future chapters featuring a little more of Rylen. I have combed through a bunch of official info for him and cannot find anything that states whether that is his first or last name. With him being a Templar, usually they seem to use their rank and their first name. If anyone knows, would you please leave a note in the comments or message me directly. Thank you!  
> And thank you for continuing to read about these two adorable dorks!


	8. Withdrawals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa returns to Skyhold after a trip to Orzammar to discover Cullen's battle with lyrium is far from over. Forced to confront one of the Commander's deepest fears, they once again realize that even though they can face their problems alone they no longer have to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Cullen suffers from nightmares, withdrawals, and a PTSD episode in this chapter. I tried not to be too graphic as always but things are implied. There is also a mention of a character death (not real but occurred in a nightmare). Cullen really doubts somethings in this one and I thought it important to show that his journey with lyrium withdrawal isn't quite as easy as the game makes it out to be. That being said, this chapter was meant to show that even though his ongoing battle with lyrium is hard, he is stronger and Nyssa will always be a source of strength for him.

She was fairly certain it was the cold that had woken her up. In recent months, the chill of the Frostbacks had not been as prevalent. Not with Cullen Rutherford sharing a bed with her. He was naturally warm and voluntarily served as her own personal heater. But now that heater was gone, and she was cold.

Anyssa extended an arm out, searching the part of the mattress where he should have been. It was barely warm. He had left the bed some time ago without her knowing. But why?

With Cullen there could be a plethora of reasons. An emergency had occurred. He suddenly remembered some unfinished work. He wasn’t tired and went in search of work or a book to read. He had taken a walk to clear his overactive mind. His withdrawals had suddenly come on making him feel sick or restless. His PTSD had been triggered by something causing him to not be able to sleep. His nightmares had been especially bad preventing him from falling back asleep.

She had steadily grown accustomed to the varying reasons for his absence and had constructed a mental checklist of how to figure out what it was. She rolled over into the space he usually occupied willing her tired eyes to open. If it were anything other than work related she would need to be awake. He still tried so hard not to bother her with his troubles, but he had slowly come to accept her help without much resistance. For that, she was immensely thankful.

She blinked her eyes several times attempting to adjust to the light of the room. It was much brighter than normal. Usually in the middle of the night even with the fire still going, it was not this bright. It was as if someone had recently added wood to it, stoking it back to life. Had Cullen done that?

She rose up on her elbows casting her view towards the large fireplace on the opposite side of the room. The flames were indeed brighter than normal for the middle of the night. But Cullen was not there. She looked towards the desk. No sign of him there. In fact it looked undisturbed from when she had ceased working on a letter to Prof. Kenric in the Frostback Basin about the discovery of the First Inquisition. She frowned and glanced to the nightstand where he might have left a note about where he was. Again nothing.

Running out of options she glanced at the door to the room that served as Thedas’ version of a bathroom. No candle light emanated from beneath the heavy wooden door and in fact it was cracked open. Alarm rose up in her as she bolted straight up. Where could he be? Had an emergency been so serious he couldn’t have left a note or woken her?

She took a deep breath as movement caught her attention from the area near the window seat. She turned her head to see Cullen’s familiar silhouette framed by moon light from the large window as he clawed his fingers through his unruly blond curls. A low growl emanated from him as he continued to pull at his hair in frustration. She held her breath. That growl was one she only ever heard when something threatened something or someone he held dear or his nightmares showed him his worst fears.

His withdrawals had been steadily receding in frequency in recent months. His nightmares were still there and would likely always plague him in one form or another. But he had gone weeks without any major episodes. The defeat of Corypheus she believed to be a big part of that. But she was no fool. He was still very much on the road to recovery and setbacks could still happen. But what had brought this on?

Anyssa watched as he dropped his arms to his sides and gazed out the window. His hands flexed into fists as she slowly moved to get out of bed. She slid the covers quietly back as she swung her legs over the side of the bed. The rustle of bedding must have caught the Commander’s attention as she watched his shoulders stiffen, the muscles in his forearms bugling as he fisted his hands tightly.

“Go back to sleep.” Cullen had said the words, but it didn’t sound like him. It was a tone that felt reserved for enemies or people he truly did not want to associate with. One he would never normally speak to her with.

She froze unsure what to do. He knew it was her and he was obviously awake and not sleep walking. What was troubling him so that he didn’t even want her near?

“Cullen?” she called quietly in the semi-darkened room. She didn’t know what else to do but going back to sleep wasn’t an option.

“I said go back to sleep, Anyssa,” he repeated using her first name. No nickname. No endearment. He did that when he needed to get her attention. Whatever he was facing he wanted to battle it utterly and completely alone.

He didn’t look at her nor did he make any motions to return to bed. What had happened while she had been gone? She had returned that morning from a trip to Orzammar to return some ancient dwarven artifacts the Inquisition had recovered during their pursuit of Corypheus. In exchange for selling the organization lyrium at a slightly discounted price, the dwarves had requested the return of any artifacts found and information on lost thaigs. Anyssa had been busy since the defeat of the Elder One making good on that deal and it had earned her a trip to the Orzammar and an audience with the king. She had been gone nearly two weeks. Not nearly as long as Cullen had even been gone but it was the longest she had been away from Skyhold on her own.

Did that have something to do with it? Her absence or was it something else? Evie had written to her about moving Samson to a different location now that his information on Corypheus was useless. It had been suggested instead to let the Templars have him now. Perhaps they could get more useful information out of the former enemy general about the Red Templars. Cullen would no longer be his handler…

Anyssa took a breath. Cullen was always there for her when she needed it. He had always been her strength when she thought she had none left. He had always helped her through her troubles even when she insisted she didn’t need. It was her turn to be his strength even when he insisted he didn’t need it or want it. She had done it before, fighting through her own doubts and insecurities to give him the strength he needed. She would do it again even if he attempted to dissuade her.

She exhaled slowly and said quietly but firmly, “I’m not going back to sleep.”

~ ~ ~

Cullen screwed his eyes shut. He ached all over. His head pounded with a dull pain that would not leave. He was hot, sweat covered his skin. His mind swirled with what if’s and his worst fears. The demons had plagued him for the passed two nights, making his nightmares almost as bad as the first weeks after his torture at Kinloch Hold. He had not slept at all the night before but this night he thought with Nyssa’s return sleep would find him. That had not been the case.

Sleep had continued to allude him even with the love of his life tucked securely in his arms. He had dozed off, but his withdrawals prevented sound sleep. He laid awake for hours holding Anyssa to his chest determined to not let them win. To not let her know how bad it was, at least not till the morning. He had hoped and prayed he would be better by the morning light. As she slept against him, sleep deprivation finally pushed the Fade upon him. As he dreamed the demons found him, teasing and taunting him with all his doubts, insecurities, and fears. The only good thing was that he had awaken from the horrible nightmare without waking Nyssa.

Now she stood behind him, watching him, worrying over him. He had thought to spare her this. He had done so well with his withdrawals and nightmares since Corypheus’ defeat. Nothing this severe. And like a fool he had convinced himself that the worst was passed. That the end was in sight. That Anyssa would no longer need worry about him.

It had been a lie, an illusion. He had ignored the reality of recovery and the stubbornness of lyrium. It was as if the blue liquid exerted a Will of its own, continuing to exhibit control over him as the Chantry and the Order had long after his departure from the organization. He flexed his hands into fists again. It would not win. He would not give in the the hushed whispers of the lyrium or the demons. He was stronger. He had to be. He had a life now, a new path with purpose. He had love.

Cullen didn’t want her to see him like this. Not again. Not after she had found her place in his world, her own path and purpose. Not after she had said he was her home. That they had a future together.

“Please…Just—just go back to bed…You just—You should go back to sleep,” the Commander insisted, his tone more harsh than he intended but he meant the words none the less. He should be able to fight this alone even though he knew she would want to help. But she shouldn’t have to, but he knew the woman who had captured his heart would always see it differently.

~ ~ ~

Anyssa shook her head, fully aware he could not see it, but she refused to leave him alone. He had been alone for far too long. Either not allowing anyone to help him or no one taking the time to realize he needed it. Even though he was no longer a Templar, a Knight-Captain, or a Knight-Commander, he still projected an aura of invulnerability, a seasoned warrior who was invincible, a military leader who knew exactly what to do without exception. Of course it was all just a façade. Cullen was aware of this and frequently used it to his advantage. Perhaps the Commander of the Inquisition, the largest military force in modern Thedas should project such an image but it did nothing to reflect the reality of the man himself.

She knew him. The _real_ him. Cullen. The man who simply wanted to atone for his terrible mistakes. The one that punished himself more than anyone else could. The man who gave up the Order, his duty, and lyrium to make things right. A man who wanted to do better and was paying a heavy price to travel down the path of redemption he had chosen. A man who had rescued her, protected her, and given of himself selflessly to make sure she had a safe place to rediscover herself. No one had ever shown her such kindness beyond her blood kin. It was something that was not lost on her even before they became romantically involved.

The historian rose slowly to her feet, she night gown falling to her knees from where it had bunched up during her sleep. Slowly she padded barefooted towards the man who meant the world to her, careful to not move too fast. If he had indeed experienced a nightmare in addition to the withdrawal symptoms he seemed to be exhibiting, he might react badly. Sudden movements would only cause the situation to become worse. Instead she called out softly, “I can’t go back to sleep knowing you are troubled. You know that. You would do the same for me. You _have_ done the same for me.”

He shook his head, still refusing to look at her. “It is not the same. Not this time…I should be over this…I have worked so hard, sacrificed so much. Yet the demons continue to taunt me!”

Coming to a stop a couple of feet short of where he stood, she noticed once again how tense he was. But in the combined moon light and flickering fire light, she saw that his back was covered in sweat. His blond hair was not only disheveled from sleep and his repeated pulling at his curls, but also damp and matted from sweat. Should she retrieve one of the remedies from the nightstand drawer? Should she dampen a cloth to help cool his feverish skin? Should she summon a healer for help?

She didn’t know. She didn’t know what he would accept or how he would react to such actions. For the moment, she chose to stand quietly, waiting for a response from. Any indication of what he would let her do besides attempting to order her back to bed. There had to be something…

“I wish you to go back to bed…Please, Nyssa,” he finally said in a broken voice. His shoulders slumped as he pleaded, “ _Please_ , go.”

Anyssa’s heart broke into a million pieces as she heard the tortured sound in his voice, something she had hoped never to hear again after his return from the Shrine of Dumat. Handling Samson had put more of a strain on him in recent months but no horrible withdrawal episodes to speak of. Now this.

He could overcome it. He just had to believe it. But could he?

~ ~ ~

“Cullen, you know I can’t do that, and I won’t,” he heard Anyssa reply as he knew she would. She was just a few feet behind him, waiting to see what he would do. What would he do? He didn’t even know.

He thanked the Maker every day for bringing her into his life, for delivering her from the monstrosity her former lover had been, for being a light in his darkness. But now he was scared to be near her. After what the demons had shown him that night, how could he not? It was unlike anything the Fade had shown him before. He was ashamed and angry at himself for what he let occur in that other ethereal realm and now his reality was shaken to its core.

“I always wanted to be a Templar. To protect people,” Cullen said attempting to ground himself. To show Anyssa that he wasn’t weak or a failure. He turned just enough to see her out of the corner of his eye but not enough to meet her gaze. He had faced down a lyrium infused Knight-Commander, a red lyrium dragon, a legion of demon possessed Grey Warden mages, and his own brothers and sisters turned to red lyrium monsters, but he could not look the woman he loved in the eye.

He took a breath noticing the blue night gown she wore was the one he had gifted her shortly after Corypheus’ defeat. A way to mark the fact they shared quarters more often than not and they had taken a step forward in their relationship. It had taken him a week to work up the nerve to purchase it and another week to give it to her. That was real not his nightmare…

Looking towards the bed they shared most nights, the bed he had sought refuge in while she had been gone to Orzammar, he continued, forcing himself to speak, “After Ferelden, I served out of fear and because I was compelled. I thought if I removed the part that kept me chained I would find my own purpose again.”

He began pacing, knowing she was waiting for him to complete whatever train of thought he needed to expel. She often did that when he was preoccupied with something or restless. It usually worked well but now her lack of response only added to his anxiety and frustration. Reaching the bed he paused in his steps as he murmured, “There are Templars who have been through worse…”

“Cullen, you don’t—Please don’t think you deserve this. That this is penance or—"

“ _Penance_?” He echoed loudly as he whirled around to face her. He felt as if he were tipping towards the abyss, on the edge of never coming back. How could she know it wasn’t his penance for the sins committed in Kirkwall? “You don’t know what I did in Kirkwall. What I allowed to happen in the Gallows. How I turned a blind eye to what my Knight- Commander was a party to. You don’t know the man I let myself become after Kinloch. How could you possibly say this isn’t penance?”

~ ~ ~

She gave herself credit for standing her ground as she watched his golden-brown eyes become wild and desperate. His chest heaved with the feeling of failure and weakness that permeated everything she normally associated with Cullen. It was hard to watch. But Anyssa would not turn away from him in his moment of need.

Quietly she said, “Because you chose this. You chose to leave the Order, to no longer be a Templar, to leave Kirkwall, to cease taking lyrium. You _knew_ it would be a hard and dangerous path, but you _chose_ it anyway. You knew the risks and yet you’ve preserved.”

The Commander shook his head vehemently. “I have faltered so many times. I have wanted to take it so many times. I wanted to give into the song of the lyrium gladly just to make the pain and the nightmares stop. How is that preserving?”

She showed him a sad smile. He had to know he was wrong. He just needed to hear it. Like so many other things that they both had needed to hear, she would repeat it as often as needed. “You are still alive, Cullen. Even after all the horrible things you’ve been through and been a party to, willingly or unwillingly, you are still _alive_. And you are still able to make a choice. You could choose to set back and let things happen to you, to not take responsibility for your past actions, to still be the man you despise from your past in Kirkwall. _Or_ you could choose to do better, to take responsibility, to be held accountable, to do your part to make the world better, to use your past to make a better future.”

She took a step forward when he didn’t interrupt her. His golden orbs locked with her gaze as she added, “And you chose the latter. You chose the harder option and yes, you’ve faltered but you have not failed. You are continuing to persevere and if you think otherwise you’re a damned fool.”

~ ~ ~

Cullen blinked at her. Never in the time he had known her had she ever called him a name. If anything she had gone out of her way to bolster him when he doubted, when the stress threatened to break him. Now she challenged him, called him out on his refusal to see things the way he did before. But what if she were wrong? What if he were leading her astray? Fooling them both into thinking they could have a life with one another when the demons and his past said otherwise?

“I can’t…I can’t…” he repeated over and over as he walked passed her, resuming his pacing. He thoughts when back to the time shortly after Anyssa’s arrival in Haven when he had followed her out of concern. He had discovered her walking aimlessly repeating those very same words.

She had been overwhelmed by her new situation and circumstances. Unsure what to do or how to cope. Feeling utter alone. Ready to give up. He had made a promise to himself to watch over her and had done his level best to prevent anything from happening to her that day she had strayed from Haven’s walls.

He paced again, repeating the chant as he clawed his fingers through his hair once more. “I can’t…I can’t…”

How could he go on as he was? How could he keep all his promises to her as he was?

“You can’t give up, Cullen. Please don’t.”

Her plea was simple and echoed the words he had said to her that night back in Haven all those months ago. The Commander froze in his tracks, his heart racing. How did she know what his chant meant?

_Because she knows you better than you know yourself you fool. You have told her that countless times._

He hung his head as shame filled his entire being, over shadowing the anger and frustration from before. Maker, what a fool he was to doubt what was right in front of him…

“ _I can’t…”_

“I won’t let you give up.” Her words were gentle but firm and yet something else he had told her that night. And once again Anyssa McBride had turned his own words back on him. His mind still harbored doubts but his heart didn’t.

_If you ever need a reminder how strong you really are just look to me._

She had said those words after his return from the Shrine of Dumat. They were true then just as they were true in that moment. One look into Nyssa’s blue eyes assured him that would never change. All he had to do was believe.

~ ~ ~

Anyssa watched as the strong, unshakable, invincible Commander of the Inquisition’s army broke down in front of her, his head falling to his hands as he dropped to the floor. He collapsed in front of the large window that had often offered him comfort in the past. The moon light cast his shadow across the floor as his body racked with sobs. She knew he would let no one else see him in such a state. And she would make sure it stayed that way.

What happened between them especially in times like this was not for anyone to know. They would know the Commander, the former Knight-Commander of Kirkwall. _She_ would know the man underneath. Cullen. The man who carried the weight of his past as well as things not of his own making. The man who wanted nothing more than to atone through protecting those that needed it. _Her_ Cullen.

The historian bridged the distance between them as she heard him repeat _I can’t_ over and over. She slowly leaned forward, placing her hands gently on his shoulders. He flinched but a moment later pitched forward into her.

“Nyssa,” he wept into her shoulder as her arms went around him. He sounded so broken to her, but something told her he still held hope. But what had gotten him to this point? She couldn’t believe her two-week absence was the singular cause of it. Maybe a combination of things was at play?

“I am here, Cullen,” she murmured as she hugged him, running her fingers through his hair and along his back in rhythmic patterns.

He moved to wrap his arms around her waist as he continued to cry, his tears making the fabric of her gown damp. “I can’t…”

“What can’t you do, Cullen?” she asked, believing that uncovering that would help end his suffering.

“I can’t…lose you,” he whispered, his voice raw. “I don’t want to sacrifice anything else…I—”

She cut him off, tugging gently at his hair. “No one is asking you to and I am right here.”

He looked up at her with blood-shot golden brown eyes. “I could still lose you. I could…the lyrium could take you from me.”

“Cullen, I don’t understand. I don’t have anything to do with lyrium…”

He straightened up just a bit to look her in the eye. “I have given up so much because of my duty, my misplaced loyalty, lyrium…I can’t give you up…”

He hung his head in defeat as his voice dropped to barely a whisper. “Once your sacrifices are made, is there no end? Are you leashed until the day you die while lyrium takes your mind away? I have given it up, but it tempts me with things I should not want. The demons pray upon my weaknesses and use you against me. My love for you should be a thing of strength not weakness…Maker, I…”

_“Think of me  
Think of me fondly  
When we've said goodbye  
Remember me once in a while  
Please promise me you'll try  
When you find  
That once again you long”_

Anyssa felt him hold tight to her as she sang the song that had led to him discovering she could sing. Keeping her promise she sang to him in hopes it might help him know lyrium would never take her from him.

_“To take your heart back and be free  
If you ever find a moment  
Spare a thought for me  
We never said  
Our love was evergreen”_

But she knew he loved her and always would. She stroked his hair as his body slowly began to relax. Hopefully, even though she had yet to be able to say the words, he remembered she loved him just as much.

_“Or as unchanging as the sea  
But if you can still remember  
Stop and think of me  
Think of all the things  
We've shared and seen”_

She hoped thinking of all the things they had been through and shared would help him find comfort as his tears began to dry.

_“Don't think about the way  
Things might have been  
Think of me, think of me waking  
Silent and resigned”_

Cullen held onto her with surprising strength even though she knew he had to be exhausted. Perhaps he would begin to think of things as they were instead of how his nightmares portrayed them to be.

_“Imagine me, trying too hard  
To put you from my mind  
Recall those days  
Look back on all those times  
Think of the things we'll never do”_

He had to know she thought of him every day, especially when they were parted. That she longed to be with him again and hoped he felt the same.

_“There will never be a day  
When I won't think of you”_

As she concluded the song the Commander stirred against her. She looked down to his now dry eyes gazing back. She smiled at him cupping his cheek. “There’s my Cullen.”

He gave her a shadow of a smile as he leaned into her touch. Closing his eyes again, a look of peace came over him. “I am yours always.”

“I know,” she murmured as she kissed his forehead. He was still warmer than normal, sweat still permeated his hair and coated his skin. “I just want you to be alright.”

He nodded slightly, refusing to leave the comfort of her touch. “I just…I need…”

As he trailed off, Anyssa asked, “Can you stand? Could you sit by the window?”

Golden eyes opened as he nodded again. They rose slowly; Anyssa helping more than normal. Guiding him backwards to sit on the window seat, she said softly, “I’m going to get a cold wash cloth and some of the remedies Adan made for you. Will you take them?”

Cullen nodded as he leaned forward, resting his forearms on his thighs. Noting his silent responses she assumed she had been right to believe his state of exhaustion. Kissing the crown of his head tenderly, she quickly retrieved a cloth, dipping it in a bowl of water made cold by an enchanted rune. Next she poured a glass of water and mixed in the powered remedy that often helped during a withdrawal episode. She prayed it helped.

Returning to his side, she urged him to take the remedy. She watched him like a hawk, making sure he drank every last drop. Setting it aside, Anyssa showed him the cloth. “May I?”

He looked up at her slowly and nodded. She smiled adoringly at him as she began to gently wipe the cloth over his face. He was accepting her help and he seemed to have calmed down. At least for the moment. She would take it. Fighting back the anxiety and fear she had been feeling since she had woken up, she continued to show him the strength and care he needed. After everything he had done for her, she could do no less.

~ ~ ~

Cullen thought he sighed as Nyssa placed the cool cloth against his forehead, but he wasn’t sure. At the moment the only thing that truly registered was that she was taking care of him and that he was feeling just a little bit better. She hummed as she wiped the sweat from his brow and face. Slowly she moved to his neck and shoulders as he replayed her words.

_Her_ Cullen.

She had called him that a time or two before, usually in the aftermath of an unusually bad withdrawal episode. But it always made him feel better; it made him feel like someone truly knew him as a man, a person not just as the Commander. Anyssa was that person for him and he was forever grateful for her presence in his life.

Despite his initial ill-advised attempt to push her away earlier, he was glad she had stood her ground and confronted him. It not only helped him but showed how far she had come since her arrival in Thedas. If things had stayed the same, if _he_ had stayed the same, he and Nyssa would never have been together. He couldn’t imagine that being his reality yet that was something the demons and nightmares constantly taunted him with.

He leaned forward placing his head against her stomach as she continued to run the cloth across the skin of his back. The contrast from the cold water to the burning sweat made him shiver. Anyssa paused momentarily in both her ministrations and her humming until her wrapped his arms around her waist. Hugging her quickly, he assured her in a rough voice, “I’m okay, Nys.”

He felt her run her fingers through his hair once and then resume her previous actions. She would not make him talk again until he were ready. He knew that she would wait for as long as he needed. Whether it be minutes, hours, or even days. But she deserved to know now. He could tell her. He _should_ tell her. She had to want to know what had brought him to this point…

“Nys,” he murmured, gathering his courage to tell her.

“Yes,” she replied softly, beginning to run fingers through his hair again.

“I need to explain…This did not—This was not brought on by one thing…” he began as she shifted against him. He opened his eyes to see her setting aside the now room temperature cloth. He took a breath. He _could_ do this. “Your absence was _not_ the trigger…My duties were the cause—”

“You don’t have to explain if you are not ready,” she interrupted gently. “I just want you to know what caused it so maybe we can avoid it in the future. We could—”

“ _Nyssa_ ,” he pulled back, taking her hands from his hair. He held them firmly but gently between them. Looking up into her concerned ice blue eyes, he pleaded for her to listen. “I _need_ to tell you. You should know…I _can_ do this.”

He saw her expression soften at his last few words. When she nodded, he swallowed hard. “I—We decided before the Inquisitor left for the Frostback Basin again that the Templars should move most of their operations to an independent site. Barris has already established one and we are shipping a bulk of our lyrium reserves to them.”

Her eyes narrowed as she said, “Cullen, you didn’t…”

He nodded his head sadly. “I see in hindsight my pride is partially to blame for this…We inventoried what was to be sent with the Templars and I insisted on supervising it…That was three days ago.”

“Why didn’t you let Lysette or Cassandra or _anyone_ else you trust over see it? You know what happens when you are exposed to that much lyrium,” Anyssa scolded loudly as she attempted to pull her hands from his.

“Indeed I do but I am the _Commander_. I thought I needed to do this,” he admitted. Exposure to the Inquisition’s lyrium stores had been found to be a trigger for his withdrawals. As such he had assigned it to a trusted officer to oversee along with a Templar and Mage representative. He laced his fingers with hers, hoping to quell her anger.. “I thought I needed to prove to myself I could handle it now…that the lyrium wouldn’t tempt me or—”

“Effect you?” she accused as she stilled. “Cullen you could have—Something worse could have happened.”

The Commander set his jaw. Something worse _had_ happened. “It was decided Samson was to be handed over to Templar custody. They might be able to wring more information out of his sorry hide about the Red Templars than we have. I am no longer to be his handler. He left with them three days ago.”

“ _Cullen_ …”

“I did not have to see him off. My responsibility for him ended the morning of the meeting…But I _had_ to look him in the eye one last time to see if he knew what he had done was wrong,” he explained as he tried to keep the anger and disgust out of his voice. “He doesn’t. He calls _me_ the monster. He blames me for his downfall and says I’ve doomed our former brothers and sisters to their deaths. I thought without his armor and his master he might have realized—That at least turning Templars into monsters is not…”

“Cullen,” her voice called to him.

He glanced up to see soulful ice blue eyes. He took a breath. “Red lyrium still flows through his veins even all these months later. I…I saw him just hours after the inventory…I heard the lyrium call to me. _Both_ of them. I…I cannot explain what it is like to hear something so familiar and so alien at the same time. It was like warring factions in my very soul. Teasing and taunting me. It called for me to leave everything I hold dear and either return to what I once was or become a monster…I couldn’t…It was too much.”

“Is it…Was it worse than before?” she asked as he squeezed her fingers.

He nodded. “I tried to fight it. I took the remedies. I reduced my workload. I delegated my duties. I took breaks. I talked to those I trusted. I read the books you have given me. I took over taking care of Zira from Leliana. I reread the notes you have passed to me since we met. I looked over the letters you have written me until I memorized them. I slept here with your pillow and Puff…I tried _everything_ …It was not enough this time.”

She tilted her head. “You didn’t give in. You didn’t try to resign. You didn’t leave. You stayed the course even though it became immeasurably difficult.”

“I tried to recall our conversations, your voice to drawn out the demons and lyrium. And it worked until I—they showed me what…I fear the most,” he slowly said.

“Cullen, I’m right here. You haven’t lost me. I—”

“They _killed_ you right in front of me…in my nightmare!” he blurted out as he pulled her roughly to him. “They _made_ me watch…I _couldn’t_ save you! Samson and his Red Templars killed you and he _laughed_! The bloody bastard laughed and I…was _helpless_ …I _failed_ to protect you!”

Anyssa stared down at him in shocked silence. He hadn’t meant to tell her that part, but it just came out. And now his biggest fear hung in the air between them, both unsure what to do. He closed his eyes willing the tears not to flow again. She was alive and with him. This was real.

He felt her stir against him a few long moments later as she moved to sit in his lap. He opened his eyes as she straddled him as he sat on the window seat. Leaning her forehead against his, she whispered, “He can’t hurt either of us now. He’s not your concern anymore. This will pass and you will be stronger for it.”

“ _Nyssa_ ,” he breathed as he moved her hands to rest around his neck. His hands dropped to the familiar position on her hips. Using his thumbs to make light circles over the material of her gown, he concentrated on listening to her breathing. It was rhythmic. It was real. It was Nyssa’s.

Her fingers played with the hair at the base of his neck. He had to overcome this. He couldn’t rely on her to do it for him. She was correct though. He hadn’t given in. He was still standing. He still knew what was real. He _remembered_. He wouldn’t forget her nor would she be taken from him.

“Nys, I…I know that I could do this without you, but I don’t want to,” he said, pausing as he attempted to phrase his thoughts correctly. “I want your help and support, but I cannot always count on them to see me through this…I need to be able to do it on my own as well. Your absence proved that I can, but I will always went your support.”

She hugged him as she murmured, “You will _always_ have it, you stubborn Mabari.”

“I thought I was a fool,” he noted as he chanced a glance at her.

“Only if you believed you couldn’t persevere through all these hardships.” She corrected. “But you’ve proved once again that you are a stubborn mabari.”

“I am _your_ stubborn mabari,” he clarified.

“Make sure you remember that for future reference,” she said sternly.

He smiled. “I intend to…I could never forget that. I could never forget you.”

She smiled as he kissed her. He wasn’t 100% better. He wouldn’t be for a few days, but he wasn’t in the dark place he usually was after such episodes any longer. He promised he never would be again. Anyssa was right; he might falter but he would not fail. The withdrawals, nightmares, demons, and doubts would never take from him what he valued most.

He had a future now and it was brighter than the ever.


	9. Correspondence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen and Anyssa continue to write to the Commander's older sister as things continue to change all around them. Mia, ever the mother hen of the Rutherford siblings, is delighted to help in anyway she can and continues to lobby for a visit to South Reach. In the end, she reiterates what Cullen and Nyssa have known all along even when shadows fall over them. Nothing is impossible as long as they have each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are a few loosely connected letters between Cullen, Anyssa, and Mia. I wanted to show how Mia might be a sounding board for Nys and Cullen on things they weren't quite sure about and introduce Mia a little better before she makes an official appearance. The letters are written between chapter 7 'inspiration' and chapter 10 (not yet posted). I hope this isn't too confusing...  
> As always, thank you for reading!

Dear Cullen~

I am relieved to hear from you as always. Your last letter sounded off. Are you alright? I thought after the Inquisition’s victory things might be easier for you. Anyssa has said that your work load has lessened in recent weeks. Please let me know if there is anything I can do. I know distance makes that hard, but you can still write to me about it if that will help.

As for life in South Reach, it is pretty much how you would imagine it. Much like it was during our childhood in Honnleath though people here are glad to know that a native Fereldan played a part in winning the war. You are something of a folk hero here. Blame Branson and your nephews who talk you up to anyone they can.

I know bearing the burden of command once again was hard, but I am so immensely proud of you and all you have accomplished. I am prouder still of the man you’ve become. I have always been proud of you even when you doubted yourself. Perhaps I have not said that often enough to you, but I aim to correct that now. Branson and Rosalie have always been proud of their big brother, the protector as well. Mother and Father I know would be proud of you. They always were.

No matter what happens or has happened, you have a place to come home to. Even if you do not stay we are always here for you and Anyssa. I hope you’ll remember that. I am forever grateful that you are still alive and that you have taken to writing us more regularly, but I still would like to see you. We all would. When you are ready…

I’ve been the over protective big sister enough for this letter. Perhaps I’ll have more interesting news in the next one. Until then.

Love,

Mia

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear Mia,

I realize I am a continual source of worry for you. That has never been my intention. However it has been brought to my attention I can be severely singular minded about certain things and perhaps stubborn as well. In my defense I countered with the fact that all Rutherfords are stubborn and proud. Of course I was then told that those traits could be both good and bad.

Before you say anything, yes. It was Anyssa who said these things to me. Yes. She is smarter than me and I should listen her. I know that is what you are thinking and what you would say to my face if you were able. Regardless of our victory and a slight reduction in my duties my responsibilities remain. I will not give less now to the Inquisition than I did before our victory. I made a commitment to see this through to the end and I will carry out my duties until we are no longer needed.

I make these commitments in the hope that our family and those like ours will not have to face the horrors of the Blight and civil war again. Ferelden has suffered enough as our family has. I will gladly take on this burden to keep those I care about most safe.

The choices I have made during my time in the Divine’s service and with the Inquisition have been hard but worthwhile. I have made a difference where I thought it would be impossible. I have people I call friend now and can trust. I have my family back even if through letters for the meantime. I have someone to love and who I believes loves me. I never thought to be worthy of any of it yet the Maker has laid it all out before me. As Anyssa reminds me every day, I must simply make the choice to accept it. And I have.

As to my last letter sounding off as you put it, I suppose the simplest way to address your concern is that I have become comfortable with the way things are but the closer the new year draws, the sooner things will change. They have already changed in subtle ways, ways that crept up on me as it were. Many of them welcomed. But after our victory over Corypheus I failed to take into account that would mean the eventual departure of several I have come to call friend. It is almost like leaving Honnleath all those years ago. I realize others have their own lives to lead but I had allowed them into mine after so many years of isolation. I hope to remain in contact with them, but I cannot say what the Maker has planned.

I do know that Anyssa and I will continue to be together and we are slowing preparing for our future. I hope to write to you about it soon, but I am need of advice on a more immediate issue. Our Ambassador has set aside a suite of rooms for me since the beginning. I have politely refused them. But now with Anyssa…Should I offer to share quarters with her? Would that be seen as too forward or improper? I wish to do right by her. She has shared a dwelling with someone before but that ended poorly. I know I can do better but I must make sure this is the right step. Your advice has never led me astray when I have listened to it. I await your reply.

Tell everyone hello and give them my love.

Your brother,

Cullen

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear Mia,

I am glad to receive a letter from you as always. I know Cullen was not thrilled with the idea of us writing to one another at first, but he has come around. Mostly. He frequently asks me to include something in my letter that he forgot to write in his own. I am glad he writes you more often now. I think it actually helps him.

You mentioned in your last letter the fact he seemed ‘off.’ I will assume he did not elaborate. I don’t think it is my place to speak for him, but I have noted in the time I have known Cullen that change does not come easy for him. He likes order and a routine. He excels best when he knows what to expect. That is not to say he cannot adapt but he finds comfort in routine. With the Inquisition’s recent victory, things are changing, and I do not think he knows how to deal with that fact yet. I have faith he will make it through.

He and I have been busy here with our own duties and such. With rogue Venatori and Red Templar forces still out there he is busy directing the Inquisition’s forces to route them. Hopefully soon Corypheus’ forces will be nothing more than a memory. I am busy cataloguing artifacts to be returned to their proper owners. The dwarves are a large part of that now. Since they agreed to supply us with lyrium against the chantry’s wishes I get do no less. I find myself writing research papers as well on all the knowledge the Inquisition has rediscovered or simply discovered. It’s a historians dream. I know that most likely sounds boring, but I am delighted to be busy with work like this. Cullen enjoys reading my papers as a distraction to his own duties as well. I’m glad I can share that with him.

I know Cullen carries a weight upon his shoulders from his past. He most likely always will. I did not know him during his years in Kirkwall or the man he was then. I can only speak to the man he is now, the one who showed me kindness and friendship when he did not have to. I know he surprised many with his actions towards me including himself. But I am so glad he did. I was in a dark place before joining the Inquisition and your brother helped me find my way back to the light. I care for him beyond words and will always be there for him.

I hope we can meet in person soon. Cullen says a trip to South Reach will need to wait until after the new year when the worst of the winter is passed. The Frostbacks live up to their name and I will be forever grateful once the Inquisition is no longer needed if I never see a snow overed mountain again. I have never been to South Reach but the way you speak of makes me want to visit all the sooner. I know that Cullen seeing you and your siblings will finally put to ease some of his anxiety about his choices. I hope I am right. Thank you for being there for him even when he was being stubborn.

Thank you for accepting me sight unseen.

Anyssa

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Cullen~

Have you even talked to Anyssa about sharing quarters? Wouldn’t you want to know that first? I was under the assumption that you both stayed in the others’ quarters now anyway. What is the difference if you share new quarters except that it means you are both taking another step forward in your relationship?

Is that what troubles you? You have written for months about this mystery woman who captured you heart. You finally confess not only that she kissed you first and you told her you loved her but that you couldn’t see your future without her in it. You know what I will say but I will write it down anyway to ease your mind. Follow your heart and it will not lead you astray. She wants this as much as you do. Trust in that. Trust her.

Now to the matter of a visit. Anyssa says it will be after the new year. Apparently the winter is more treacherous there than in South Reach. Do you have any idea how long you might stay? I would like it to be more than just a few days, but I know you are still busy. Anyssa talks as if your schedule is the one that would cause the most trouble to work around. Please brother, just come home. Even if it is just for a little while. Your nieces and nephews would very much like to meet their uncle and I would like to see if you are a decent match for me in chess yet. Does Anyssa play?

You said she favored blue. I have several yards of blue fabric in different shades left over from various projects. I had no idea what to do with them until you mentioned moving into new quarters with Anyssa. Would you mind terribly if I made some table clothes or curtains from them for you to use? Or perhaps something to wear for her? I’d need her measurements though. If you thought it appropriate could you send them to me? I seem to remember you said a seamstress already had them. I realize it would not be as fancy as the Inquisition’s Orlesian seamstresses, but she surely could use some proper Fereldan clothing. I’ll trust your judgment.

Please take care of you both.

Your loving sister,

Mia

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Mia~

I have enclosed the measurements you requested. Anything you make will be more than sufficient. However no brown please. Anyssa has an aversion to the color.

I will send you a more detailed letter later, but my duties have me swamped while Anyssa is away. Thank you for your advice as always. I believe I know what I should do now.

Maker watch over you.

Cullen

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear Mia,

I have enclosed the measurements our ambassador used for the uniforms made for the Grand Ball. I can’t ask Cullen myself without raising suspicion, but I would like to point out that he repeatedly told me the measurements for the jacket made it fairly tight. I hope you can compensate on whatever project you have planned.

As for your other question, I had not realized Cullen had mentioned the stories I had written down for him. I have made two books of collected stories and am working slowly in a third. He says I should consider becoming a published fiction author instead of just a historian. I am still considering it. I have never published anything other than scholarly papers, but Cullen says I need to consider my career after the Inquisition. I suppose he is correct. It is just scary sometimes to think of starting over again.

When we visit I will see if Cullen will let you read his copy of my stories. You seem more than cable of an impartial opinion unlike your brother. I would like to know whether you think I could be an author. Plus maybe you have some ideas of your own.

Cullen has asked me to apologize for his lack of correspondence as of late. His letters to me were uncharacteristically short while I was away in Orzammar. I only found out the cause once I returned but I assure you once the immediate situation is taken care of, his duties will allow for more detailed letters. Much occurred in my absence I am only now finding out about. I know it frustrates you that you can’t know what is going on but please take my word everything will be fine.

I promise you that Cullen is well and an important responsibility he once had is no longer a factor. This is better overall, and I hope will help reduce some of his stress. He is now trying to tell me I shouldn’t write anything to worry you but if I don’t tell you something you will worry more. And he is wanting to see this letter instead of relaxing like we agreed he would. He won’t see it and if he tries again I have threatened to withhold future stories I may write and the sugar cookies I make for him. He is now pouting on my sofa refusing to look at me.

He is adorable when he pouts even though he insists he does not do it. We are fine here. I promise. I would like to ask though if staying in South Reach for more than a few days would be alright. I know Cullen has told you it is unlikely we could spend more time but that is not technically true. He is simply being stubborn. Please let me know.

Take care.

Anyssa

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Cullen & Anyssa~

I realize I have never written to you both in one letter. I don’t intend to make this a habit, but I would like to tell you both somethings at the same time. Things I think you both should hear. Especially during what seems like a somewhat troubling time for you both.

I understand that with the positions you hold and the work the Inquisition still has before it, telling us exactly what is happening is not necessarily an option. I know that both of you have dealt with dark things in your pasts. I know those things still cast a shadow over the lives you have now and the future you are building together. I also know that you have overcome much and are stronger together.

I know this partially because I know my brother even all these years later and even through the distance we are a part, his inner strength continues to shine through. And because of this, he was able to find someone that could appreciate him and care for him and stand up to him and support him. Through him I know this woman is kind and caring and intelligent and strong. She can put up with my brother’s stubbornness and pride with sheer force of Will. Together you are unstoppable.

I know that is might not seem like much coming from someone who hasn’t seen her brother in over a decade and hasn’t yet met the woman who captured his heart, I know deep down you two were meant for one another. The Maker does not always show us his plan, but we must have faith he will guide us. You must have faith and trust in each other as well. No matter what, I know neither of you will ever forsake the other. Count on that, on each other and then nothing will ever be impossible.

You both deserve to be happy. Believe that.

That is all this over protective big sister had to say. I look forward to your next letters and your eventual visit. Until Maker watch over you both.

Love always,

Mia


	10. Snowball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taking a break from their duties within the confines of Skyhold, Cullen and Nyssa take a horseback ride which leads to what else? A snowball fight of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff. Just pure fluff for your enjoyment!
> 
> (This chapter and several of the next 10 chapters were inspired by the "12 Days of Satinalia prompts" hosted by the Smut Coven on Tumblr. I posted only two of them on tumblr because my December was insanely busy but the rest are going to posted here as part of Ripples. And FYI: there is no smut in any of this and that was not the point of the prompts event)
> 
> Now enjoy some fluff on Valentine's Day!

Ajax and Argo thundered down the snowy path away from Skyhold as the morning sun shown brightly overhead. The horses’ riders taunted one another jovially as they raced through the familiar wooden paths. Cullen and Anyssa had decided to put aside their duties for the morning and enjoy some personal time together before the next hoard of nobles descended upon the ancient fortress. With the still recent defeat of Corypheus, anyone who was someone (or thought they were) courted the Inquisition, hoping to be associated with their success whether had initially provided support or not. For the two riding away from Skyhold, it was enough to drive them crazy.

The previous night’s snowfall had left a fresh blanket of white on the ground which the horses kicked up at they galloped along the path. Cullen laughed as he was once again caught in the snow thrown at him by Argo who had taken the lead again. “You enjoy that too much, my lady.”

“You aren’t letting me be in the lead, are you Commander?” Anyssa called over her shoulder. “I wouldn’t care for special treatment if you are.”

Cullen urged Ajax to catch up with Argo as he said, “You will _always_ receive special treatment from me, Nyssa.”

McBride blushed a darker pink than the cold wind had already caused her cheeks to be. Smiling shyly at him, she slowed her horse as they came to the frozen lake they frequented. Since her solo venture to the lake in an attempt to overcome her fear, they had made it a point to go together instead. The Commander wanting to make sure she knew she did not have to face that fear alone.

Cullen smiled as he matched her pace. She would never become entirely use to someone focusing all their affection on her, but Cullen would continue to do that for as long as the Maker allowed him to.

Once they reached a clearing near the shore, the pair halted their horses and dismounted. Tying Argo and Ajax to a tree to graze, Cullen extended a hand to Anyssa as he motioned towards the shoreline. “Would you care to take a walk, my lady?”

“Only if you stop calling me ‘my lady.’” The historian made a face as she took his hand.

“It is meant as a _compliment_ , Nys,” the Commander explained as they began meandering around the lake. “I only mean that you are…That I believe you are…”

Her giggles stopped his fumbling. He glanced over at her as he sighed in exasperation. “You enjoy that much too much.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Anyssa protested as they reached a snow drift that came up to her waist.

“That’s precisely it!” Cullen said as he turned to her. “You don’t do anything, and it makes it worse.”

“Cullen, that makes absolutely no sense,” McBride noted as she moved away from him towards the snow drift.

“You…You engineer situations where you know I will say or do something that will cause me to become flustered,” he accused pointing a finger at her. He was well aware she delighted in the moments he became flustered. “You know how to get to me without ever having to truly do anything…and then you simply look at me or giggle as you just did and I—”

“Fumble your words?” she chanced a guess as she faced away from him, concealing her hands.

“ _Yes_ ,” he agreed readily as he motioned with his hands in a wide gesture. “And you _enjoy_ it. You enjoy doing nearly nothing and causing me so much grief.”

“Nearly nothing,” she echoed quietly as she glanced over her shoulder. “Hmmm.”

“Yes—What are you—”

Before he could finish his thought, a cold ball of snow hit him square in the face. Cullen stumbled back slightly as Anyssa’s giggles started all over again. He stood still for a moment, attempting to over come the shock of his love throwing a snowball at him out of the blue. As he wiped the offending substance from his face, he saw his assailant dart out of view behind a nearby tree.

“ _Anyssa_!” he growled as he walked toward the drift and grabbed a handful of snow. Compacting it into a ball, he stalked towards the tree she had taken refuge behind. “You should _not_ have done that.”

The Commander heard the crunch of snow as she scurried away from him. As he rounded tree, he saw the tail of a blue scarf disappear behind the snow drift from before. She was quick. He would give her that, but he was a seasoned soldier with years of experience. Surely a smallball fight with his love would result in his—

_Whack!_

Another ball of white connected with his chest. He glanced down at the wet stain on his coat. _Perhaps I should have worn my armor after all_ , Cullen thought as he continued to make his way towards her. He wouldn’t be bested. Not even by Nyssa.

Her giggle did nothing to dissuade his desire to win the impromptu snowball fight as he finally had a bead on her position, hurling the ball at her quickly before she disappeared again. A groan emanated from her as he watched her stumble backward.

“That _hurt_!” she exclaimed rubbing her shoulder where the frozen ball had hit her.

All thoughts of victory vanished as he quickly dropped the second ball he had made and quick marched to her side. “Nys, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—Are you alright?”

“I will be after I do this,” she replied with a mischievous tone. Suddenly Cullen found himself with a face full of snow.

He wiped away the offending mess as he realized McBride had played him. The woman he had come to care for more than anything had used his feelings for her to her advantage and caught him off guard. He narrowed his eyes as an idea came to him. She hadn’t run off this time…

He took one step towards her with an impish glint in his eye. He grinned smugly as she said his name warily. His response was only to smile broadly as he tackled her to the ground, causing them both to land partially in the snowbank.

Anyssa let out a shriek as he rolled over to pin her to the snow-covered ground. To add insult to injury, he dropped a handful of snow down her blouse. McBride screamed again as she squirmed under him only causing him to roar in laughter.

“Cullen! That’s _cold_!” she exclaimed as she attempted to push him away.

“Then perhaps you should rethink your strategy before you make your first move, my lady,” he said in a low husky voice.

Ice blue eyes meet his golden-brown ones as he moved to stroke her honey blonde locks. “Are you hurt?”

She shook her head. “No.”

“Good,” he murmured as he leaned down and kissed her tenderly. She hummed in contentment as she returned it.

Glad he had not worn his armor after all, Cullen peppered her face with light kisses as he felt her begin to shiver under him. She pulled at his coat trying to draw him closer to her as he asked, “Nys, we need to get up before you catch cold.”

“I’m already cold,” she whined as she continued to pull at his coat trying to leech away some of his warmth. “And you’re really warm.”

“And you can enjoy that warmth back at Skyhold in the privacy of your quarters instead of the middle of the snow-covered woods,” Cullen pointed out as he nuzzled her neck with his stubbled cheek.

“Cullen…”

“Me _with_ the blanket you borrowed from my loft and conveniently never returned,” he clarified as he began to rise up on to his feet, offering a hand to her. He pulled her up against his chest as he whispered, “Only what you want, Nys. I’d never make you do anything you aren’t ready for.”

“I know,” she said softly as she laid her head against his chest. “It’s just that people talk and—”

“And they don’t know what goes on behind closed doors and it is none of their concern,” Cullen finished for her as he gently urged her back towards the horses.

“But they still talk.”

“Then tell them the tale of how you bested the Inquisition’s Commander in a snowball fight.”

“But I didn’t.”

“Technically you hit me _twice_. I only hit you _once_ ,” Cullen observed.

“But you tackled me!”

“That was against the rules.”

“Snowball fighting has rules in Thedas?”

“Well, the _Rutherford_ rules then. If you don’t believe me, feel free to write Mia. I’m sure she will give you the rules in their entirety and then lecture me for tackling you.”

“You’re serious?”

“Of course. Ask Mia,” he replied as he leaned down to her ear and added, “But it was worth it to have the excuse to warm you up.”

Anyssa blushed as they made their way back to Ajax and Argo. It had been nearly two decades since Cullen had participated in a snowball fight. And as with so many things, he was rediscovering the simple joys in life and hoped to continued to do so with Nyssa at his side. After all, Skyhold was in the middle of a mountain range called the Frostbacks with no shortage of snow. There were plenty of excuses to keep her warm for the fore seeable future, not that he needed them.

He was with Nyssa and on a path of his own choosing. That was more than he had ever thought possible and something he was thankful for every day.


	11. Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen is an excellent chess player. Nyssa has come to be a very good Wick Grace player. A simple conversation over a game of chess in the loft of the Commander’s tower reveals thoughts of what might have been and how glad they are for the things that came to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible TW: mentions of Cullen’s past as a Templar and Anyssa’s relationship with Bryan

“You have come far since we played our first game,” Cullen noted as Anyssa placed his king in check.

“That was over a year ago. I hope I’ve improved a little,” the historian replied as she sat cross-legged on his bed.

They had retreated to his loft after dinner hoping once again not to draw the attention of nobles attending the Satinalia festivities. After yet another attempt by Varric to lure Cullen into playing a game of Wicked Grace, McBride had suggested a game of chess instead. She doubted the Commander would ever play the game again. Except _maybe_ with her.

“You still ask how the knight moves on occasion,” the former Templar noted with a grin as he moved his king one square to the left.

“Are you sure I don’t do that just to throw you off?” the honey blonde asked innocently as she moved a bishop.

Cullen glanced down at the board. The move did nothing to place his king back in check. “Why would you do that? This isn’t Wicked Grace. This game is about strategy, timing, patience.”

She blew a strand of hair out of her face. She watched as he moved a pawn in an attempt to place more obstacles between her queen and his king. “I suppose bluffing wouldn’t be appropriate for chess.”

“Not really,” he agreed as she moved her queen in yet another move that did nothing.

“Nys, I appreciate that you are an accomplished Wicked Grace player, but chess is not—”

She finished for him as he moved his pawn to block her queen just in case. “—Move in silence. Only speak when it’s time to say _checkmate_.”

“Exactly. Distractions and ruses in chess hardly work,” he confirmed as she moved a rook she hadn’t moved except at the very beginning of the game. “Never announce your moves before you make them.”

Anyssa nodded. “Oh. I totally get that is how _you_ play. I’m guessing Mia and Branson play the same way. Right?”

“Yes. We all learned from our parents. I’m told even Rosalie plays from time to time,” he confirmed with an arched brow. “Why?”

Anyssa tilted her head and smiled. “Because according to a saying from my world, you should never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”

The Commander opened his mouth to say something but stopped when she declared, “ _Check_. And I believe _mate_?”

Cullen glanced from her to the chess board between them on the bed. His king was cornered; the pawn offering no shield in the end. Her bishop and rook actually responsible for his current situation. Her queen serving initially as a means to corral him to one part of the board and then as a mere distraction. Of course, he realized the true distraction had been Anyssa herself.

He smiled as she sat proudly across from him. His thoughts went back to something his father had once said after Cullen had lost yet again to his older sister.

_‘The beauty of a move lies not in its appearance but in the thought behind it.’_

“I see I failed to take into account how you might adapt your Wicked Grace skills to chess,” he noted with pride.

“My mistake. Your victory, my lady,” he admitted as he gave her a small bow.

Anyssa giggled as they began putting the pieces away. “You don’t have to call me ‘my lady.’”

Cullen shook his head. “At the time I agreed to begin using your name only, our relationship was _very_ different.”

“But why—”

He paused putting away the board as he looked at her tenderly. “Because you are _my_ lady.”

“Cullen,” she murmured as pink tinged her cheeks. She bowed her head in embarrassment as she passed him the lid to the box.

He chuckled as he put the chess board on the nearby nightstand. “The more things change the more they stay the same.”

Anyssa shifted on the bed, glancing up at him through a veil of blonde locks. “What do you mean?”

Cullen gestured towards her. “You are more self-assured now. More confident yet you still blush nearly every time I compliment you.”

Before she could deny it, he placed his hand on his chest. “And myself? Once I could not even adequately compliment a woman on anything without sounding foolish. Now I am readily able to compliment you but I still sound foolish to others.”

“They don’t appreciate your foolishness like I do,” Anyssa said as she moved to lean against the headboard.

He pulled himself across the bed to her side. “And you have no idea how grateful I am for that, Nys.”

He kissed her temple. “Now what has you so concerned about change? You mentioned it before we retreated to my loft. Is something the matter?”

She took a breath. “It will be the new year in less than a month. Things are changing. They will change then. People are going to leave…”

“Nys, things change. The Inquisition’s main goal has been accomplished,” he noted. “And now many of our members have other obligations and opportunities to attend to. Many will be continuing the Inquisition’s work simply in a different way.”

“Like Vivienne?”

“Well, yes. But I will admit I’d never thought I would see a mage on the Sunburst Throne,” the Commander said. “It will be a change. I have not always agreed with her, but Vivienne always let us know where she stood.”

“Evie believes she will still be an ally of the Inquisition,” McBride said as she leaned her head on his shoulder.

“I am sure she will be,” Cullen replied. “Perhaps it will help the world heal.”

“Dorian and Varric are going to leave too,” Anyssa added.

“Well, Tevinter would be better off with more thinking like him. And Varric?” Cullen said. He shook his head. “He calls Kirkwall home and he can do something to help its people. He has been since the chantry explosion. I wouldn’t be surprised if they make him Viscount.”

“Oh, he’ll love that.”

“Don’t encourage him…” he paused. “Several of the others are staying on a while longer while they make preparations to leave.”

“Sera is still working with the Red Jennies and Blackwall said something about making up for things through good deeds.”

“Good deeds?” Cullen echoed.

“Something he is planning with Sera and the Jennies.”

“I shudder to think of what that means,” the Commander commented as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Bees and pranks will most likely be involved,” the historian quipped.

“And juvenile humor.”

They laughed for a moment and then settled into a comfortable silence. They watched the stars twinkle above as night settled over Skyhold. The winter chill was staved off by the runes Cullen had added to the tower’s loft after Anyssa began spending more nights there.

That had changed from when they first arrived at the ancient fortress. Now most nights neither of them slept alone. 10 years ago he could never have imagined sharing a bed with someone consistently, let alone loving that person. Yet there he was. Sleeping with the woman he loved. And he wouldn’t change it.

“Do you think Cassandra and Rylen are really going to get together?” Nyssa’s voice called from beside him.

Cullen snorted as he looked down at her. “Really, Nys? They are already together. Cassandra is a terrible liar. I thought you would have learned that by now.”

Anyssa huffed “I _knew_ she was way too happy every time she went back to the Western Approach. No one is that happy going to that place.”

Cullen laughed. “I suspected it but Rylen is the one who actually admitted it. He never could keep a secret like that.”

“At least they’re happy.”

Cullen nodded. “He even said something about helping her rebuild the Seekers.”

“He must really care about her then.”

“I believe the feeling is mutual,” Cullen noted as he looked up at the stars again. “I never would have imagined the life I have now after Kinloch…”

“We cannot change the cards we are dealt. Just how we play the hand,” Anyssa murmured as she took his hand.

“Is that a Wicked Grace reference?”

“I suppose it works for that but no,” she said. “It’s actually a reference to a card game from Earth. Poker.”

“You’ve mentioned it before,” he said. “I gather that is the reason you are so good at Wicked Grace.”

She grinned. “Yes but there were other reasons…It made things a little more bearable with Bryan.”

“Nys, I did not mean to bring that up—”

“I know but that’s not what I meant,” she said moving to sit on her knees. She took his hands in hers. “We both play games. Games that traditionally use different sets of skills but don’t have to be limited to those. We’ve lived a majority of our adult lives much along the same lines. But we’ve learned recently that we can adapt and change to use new skills. Not just for a game but for life.”

Cullen furrowed his brow as he took in her words. “Are you suggesting that the Maker gives us certain skills and abilities, maybe even knowledge and what we do with those is entirely up to us?”

She nodded. “Think about it. You and Samson were both Templars but you chose widely different paths. You both saw the good and the bad sides of the Order and of magic in Kirkwall yet you joined the Inquisition and he joined Corypheus.”

“Our journeys were not the same…”

“No one’s hand is the same but its _how_ you play it that matters most,” she pointed out. “You’ve said Samson once was a decent man and a good Templar. He allowed his circumstances to get the better of him. He could have requested a transfer once he realized Meredith was not someone he could play well with or something else but he didn’t.”

“Nys, it’s not that simple—”

“You excelled in Kirkwall, making Knight-Captain within the first year,” she barreled on. “Once you fully realized Meredith was mad you turned against her. Could you have done so sooner? Probably but that’s not how you played that hand. Yet you still ended up here and Samson is paying for what he did with the Templars.”

Cullen took a breath as he looked at her. Her point was fair if not oversimplified. Still she was correct. If things had been different, if he had been different, he might have sided with the Red Templars. But even after all the horrors he had witnessed in Kirkwall, all the torture he endured at Kinloch Hold, a part of him had always remained true to the pure ideals of his 8 year old self: wanting to protect. And he had been able to through the Inquisition.

He pulled her gently into his lap. “If I had played my hand as you say any differently, I would not have you here with me nor would I have the amazing life I have now. If this game of Poker can teach lessons as the one you reminded me of, perhaps it is worth learning.”

“I don’t know,” Anyssa began as she ran fingers through his hair. “The last card game you played ended with me bringing a change of clothes because you lost yours _and_ your armor to Josie.”

“We agreed _not_ to discuss that…incident,” he said turning away from her.

“That _incident_ as you label it, began because you told our Antivan Ambassador you had figured out her tells,” Anyssa said cupping his face, bringing him back to her.

“It was a sound strategy: study your opponent and learn their weakness,” he muttered indignantly. “In any other situation it would have worked.”

“In any other situation you would have _retreated_ once you realized your mistake,” countered the historian. “In this case you _let_ Josie play you until you lost everything.”

“You do not have to remind me.”

“Hey, don’t pout! I convinced Josie to give you your knickers back didn’t I? She almost let Leliana have them for nefarious purposes.”

Cullen knew that she thought he were pouting. Perhaps he was but all these months later and it was still embarrassing. “I don’t know how Varric talked me into that,” he grumbled. “I don’t think I’ll ever play cards again.”

Anyssa made a disappointed face. “That’s too bad. Seeing how you lost made me want to play cards with you.”

He glared. “I do not need help embarrassing myself in front of you.”

“You were blushing when I found you to give you your extra clothes. It was adorable,” she giggled.

“Maker’s breath,” he muttered feeling his cheeks burn. She was enjoying it, seeing him like that.

“If you insist on playing Wicked Grace like that, I know the version of Poker I could teach you. It’s called strip poker…”

“You. Will. Not,” he said firmly trying to keep his embarrassment in check.

“But Cullen—”

“No.”

“You already know how to do part of it—”

“No. Absolutely not.”

She giggled as she took his face in both her hands. “I would never do that, Cullen. We can just stick to chess unless you want some pointers on Wicked Grace so you don’t loose as badly again.”

“I will consider it,” he said slowly.

She kissed his forehead as he added, “Many things have changed and many more will in the future, but I am so grateful to have you…Whatever the Maker sets before us I will play my hand in the hopes of making a future for us without losing my clothes or you.”

“I’m glad I rank up there with your clothes.”

“You are more important than my clothes, Nys. _You_ I would never wager. I’d be lost without you.”


	12. Spirit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Satinalia has come to Skyhold but Cullen is grumpy according to his Officers. Anyssa intends to find out why he doesn't seem to want to participate in the festivities. But as with most things, somethings are not always as they appear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (this chapter was based on the "12 Days of Satinalia" prompt called 'Satinalia Spirit' on tumblr presented by the smut coven)

“Josephine, Leliana, and your Captains say you are grumpy,” Anyssa McBride said as she entered the office. “Well, apparently _more_ grumpy than usual.”

Cullen eyed her intently as he returned his attention to the paperwork before him. “I am _not_ grumpy. And I do not need others airing their concerns, grievances, or unsolicited opinions to you.”

The historian sighed as she made sure the door latched behind her. “You sure sound grumpy.”

The Commander huffed as he signed another report. “I am simply frustrated that everyone insists I ignore my duties in favor of Satinalia festivities. I will participate but only as my duties as Commander allow and not before.”

“And I am not asking you to, Cullen,” she stated as she came to stand beside his desk. “But there are people who are simply concerned you are taking on more responsibilities in order to avoid the ongoing Satinalia celebrations.”

The Commander ignored her comment by continuing to read reports and sign off on them. This lasted for several minutes as Anyssa stood silently with her arms crossed and a bemused smile on her face. The only sounds in the office were the crackle of the fire, voices from the passing guards, and the scratching sound of Cullen’s stylus as he signed his name.

Finally the Commander asked as he glanced up, “Are you going to continue to stand there amused by my annoyance or state you true purpose here?”

“I can’t just want to see you now?” she asked nearly sounding offended.

“Normally I would be perfectly happy to entertain the welcomed distraction your presence always provides,” Cullen pointed out as he set down the stylus. “But this time you act on the words of others, not of your own desires…So I ask again: why are you _really_ here?”

Anyssa exhaled sharply. “The way people talked I thought something might be wrong. I wanted to see if there was anything I could do.”

“There is,” he stated as he picked up the stylus once again. “Let me finish my work.”

“But Cullen—”

“ _Enough_ , Nyssa!” he snapped loudly. “I have work and it will _not_ stop simply because of a holiday.”

She looked at him in silent disbelief. Biting her bottom lip, she mumbled, “I’ll—I’ll go then. I’m sorry I bothered you…”

The historian turned to the door leading to the rotunda, feeling dejected by his words. The scrape of wood on stone and the hurried beckoning of her name did nothing to stop her from reaching the door and turning the knob. He wanted to be alone with his work then that is what she would let him do.

“Nyssa! Nys, please,” his voice called again as his hand rested on the heavy wooden door keeping it from opening. “I’m sorry.”

She shook her head. “That’s _not_ good enough. I didn’t deserve that…I’m not the same person I was on Earth. I don’t have to put up with that…You don’t get to—”

“Speak to you like that,” Cullen finished for her. “You’re right. I’ve let my frustration get the better of me and I should have acted… _better_ …”

She glanced up at him. “What is _really_ wrong?”

Cullen let out a heavy sigh as he let his arm drop from the door. “When I was a boy, my parents had their own way for our family to celebrate Satinalia. Yes, we celebrated with friends and neighbors but we as a family had private ways of celebrating as well…I want to participate with everyone…I haven’t felt like doing that since I left Ferelden, but I wanted to share my family’s traditions from my childhood…with you first…I wanted to get all of this extra work done today so I could spend time with you…I wanted this Satinalia to be special. It is out first one together…as a couple.”

Anyssa looked up at him with wide eyes. He had been trying to make extra time for her all along. People, including her, had misunderstood his actions and the reasons for his annoyance. She lowered her head as a feeling of shame came over her. Cullen never did anything without a reason. She had learned that early on, even when she wasn’t clear on what it was. Regardless, she had jumped to conclusions instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt.

“Nyssa, look at me,” he said softly as he cupped her cheek, encouraging her to look at him.

She quietly complied as he smiled at her. “I want to have time to spend with you…I haven’t wanted to make time for someone special in a long time…You are my family now and that mean something—”

“Cullen—”

“I know I don’t always show it and the way in which I approach things is sometimes… _difficult_ to bear but _this_ …” He paused to gather his thoughts. “ _This_ is something I want for you, for us. I don’t know everything that happened to you and I doubt I ever will. But I know what I can do for you here.”

She smiled up at him as he gathered her by her shoulders and kissed her forehead. “If I must be grumpy or grouchy before I can share in the Satinalia Spirit with you as you deserve, so be it.”

“You won’t be cross after you leave your office for the day will you?” she asked.

“I hope not,” he replied as he hugged her. “Why would I be cross when this Satinalia I get to spend with the woman I love? I am counting on that to put me in the Satinalia Spirit. I’d be a fool otherwise.”


	13. Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With preparations for Satinalia under way, Nyssa takes an interest in a certain tradition that reminds her of home. Cullen helps her understand it but not without the two facing some consequences later. Teasing from Sera prompts them to discuss something that every one around them assumes is true. Only then do they realize that providing comfort for one another in all areas of a relationship is not simply the responsibly of one person but of both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: once again nothing explicit or graphic but the reasons Cullen and Nyssa have not been intimate yet are discussed. Hers deal with her previous relationship with Bryan while Cullen faces lingering issues from Kinloch Hold. Does not go into specifics but just be aware.
> 
> Another chapter based on the the "12 Days of Satinalia" prompts by the smut cover on Tumblr. This is a combination of two: 'under the mistletoe' & 'oc's making merry.'

“You have that look about you,” Cullen commented as he walked towards Anyssa in the garden.

“What look?” she asked in confusion as people buzzed around them decorating every inch of Skyhold or so it seemed.

He grinned. “The look of you not understanding something but it reminds you of home.”

“My _old_ home,” the historian corrected quickly as she turned back to look at a sprig of a plant that had been strategically placed on several archways and doorways around the garden.

The Commander followed her gaze, realizing she was focused on the plant. “Prophet’s Gift? That has you confused?”

Anyssa nodded. “I’ve watched people place it all over Skyhold and then giggle. But no one says anything. I didn’t even know what it was called until you just told me. What is so special about it?”

Cullen felt his ears turn red as he cleared his throat. “It is a Satinalia tradition…You place it where you hope your sweetheart will walk and you…you…kiss them.”

“A kiss? _That’s it?_ ” she asked in surprise as she turned to him. “If that’s all, why are you turning red?”

“I—um…” he fumbled for the words. His hand automatically rubbed his neck as he explained slowly, glancing around at those who were in the garden. “Well, it’s also thought that if you kiss your sweetheart under the Prophet’s Gift during Satinalia that you’ll both have a very happy and long life together…with many children.”

Anyssa looked up at him with a raised eyebrow as he added quickly, “At least that’s the Fereldan tradition…Orlesians and Kirkwallers have other… _additions_.”

She laughed as she glanced back at the closest spring of Prophet’s Gift. “I can well imagine.”

Ice blue eyes turned back to him once more, boring into him. Cullen did his level best not to flinch. She knew him better than he knew himself sometimes. Apparently this was to be such an occasion.

“Now will you tell me the part about why people are giggling, and what has you so flustered?” she asked as she crossed her arms.

Cullen let out a hopeless sigh. She was not going to let the matter drop until he gave her the answer she wanted. Slumping his shoulders he admitted in barely a whisper, “It’s implied the couple will have…intimate relations later that night.”

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you Cullen,” Anyssa said trying to hold a straight face.

The Commander sucked in a breath and said again, slightly louder, “It is said they will enjoy each other very much later…in bed.”

A smile tugged at McBride’s lips, clearly intent on annoying him as only she could. “I’m sorry. What was that, Cullen?”

“Maker’s breath, Nys! _Sex_! They have sex!” the former Templar exclaimed in frustration loud enough for the whole garden to hear him.

He glanced around once he realized what Anyssa had goaded him into doing. Only a handful of people were present, but every one of them was attempting to stifle their laughter. All save one. Anyssa gave him no such consideration as she laughed loudly at his outburst.

All Cullen could do was look at the ground and shuffle his feet, muttering, “Andraste’s flaming sword, why do I allow you to do that to me?”

“Because you love me,” Anyssa said in a quick voice as her hand cupped his stubbled cheek.

He glanced up to meet her ice blue eyes which shown with adoration. She was still unable to say the words back to him but he knew she felt it just the same. His annoyance and embarrassment melted away as he placed a gloved hand over hers. “Maker, I do love you.”

McBride blushed as she glanced at his chest. “I’m sorry if I went too far.”

“It—It will be fine, Nys,” he assured her as he grazed her cheek with his knuckles. “I must simply accept that fact you will always keep me on my toes.”

She smiled as she gestured to the Prophet’s Gift sprig. “On Ear—I mean where I’m from, we have something similar. It’s called _mistletoe_. There are several different species but in general it is a waxy leafed plant with berries. In modern times it was hung overhead in the hopes of someone being caught under it and being kissed. It became associated with a popular Christian holiday called Christmas. It takes place during the winter. At least where I’m from it does.”

“Really?” Culled asked always fascinated to learn more about where she was originally from.

Her hand slid from his cheek down his arm to take his hand. “Yes. But in older cultures where the tradition originated from, it was a symbol of male fertility. The seeds were equated to male…semen.”

Anyssa gave him a sideways look as he became tense. She squeezed his hand as she went on, deciding not to tease him further. “Later cultures associated it with peace, love, and understanding and hung it for protection. Some even used it as a deterrent against witches and demons.”

“It would seem out worlds have yet another thing in common,” he replied relaxing his stance but not letting go of her hand.

She nodded as she tugged at him, beginning to walk towards the sprig of Prophet’s Gift. He reluctantly followed as he asked, “What are you doing?”

“Taking part in a Satinalia tradition,” she said simply.

“Nys,” he said warily as she positioned him under the hanging plant.

“You insist I am Fereldan, so I am going to participate in one of its traditions,” she explained with a smile. “Where I’m from a long time ago it was considered bad luck if a woman refused a man’s kiss if they were caught under the mistletoe.”

“And now?” he said in a lower tone.

“And now it doesn’t matter. I never bought into the gender stereotypes. But either way, you’re the one under the Prophet’s Gift.”

“And so I am.”

“I suppose I should kiss you.”

“I suppose you should.”

Cullen closed his eyes as she rose up on her tiptoes and kissed him tenderly. Her arms went around his neck as his hands rested on her hips, pulling her firmly against his chest. He made a low growling sound in his throat as he took control of the kiss, pouring more intensity into it.

She whimpered softly as she murmured between kisses, “Cullen…people…will talk…”

“They already do,” he noted kissing her jaw. “And they would continue to, especially if they heard what I said earlier.”

Anyssa pulled back. “They’ll think we—”

“They will think we are engaging in an age-old tradition and whatever else happens is none of their concern.”

Ice blue eyes regarded him curiously. “You don’t expect us to—”

“Only what you are willing to give, Nys. You know that,” Cullen reassured her. He had made it a point from the start that their relationship would proceed at a pace they were both comfortable with. “And I have everything I want right here.”

She smiled, grateful as always she had Cullen in her life and he was the man he was. “So do I.”

“Good,” he said leaning his forehead against hers. “But I think we should practice this tradition a little more, don’t you?”

Anyssa grinned. “Definitely.”

Cullen returned her grin as they did just that, hoping that there would be many more traditions to experience together for a long time to come.

*****

“We saw you and Cully Wully under the Prophet’s Gift,” Sera called out to Anyssa as she made her way from the tavern to the steps leading up to the battlements.

The historian simply wanted to retire early for once after having dinner with some of the Chargers. But no. The Red Jenny elf wanted to tease.

“Are you and Cully Wully gonna have a good time of it now?” the blonde prankster went on. “Gonna see how sturdy his desk is? Maybe hang from the ladder? Maybe let the whole keep hear the lion roar?”

The historian effectively ignored the comments as she walked quickly towards Cullen’s tower. Sera’s other crude comments were lost except for when she shouted, “ _Can’t take a joke? What happened to you bein’ fun?”_

Balling her fists and ignoring the guard she normally greeted, Anyssa pushed opened the door to Cullen’s office without knocking. Slamming the door behind her, she found him leaning over his desk, sorting through papers. Anyssa stood stalk still her eyes focused on his desk refusing to move from the spot in front of the door. She took measured breaths as she heard Cullen turn to face her.

“Nys! What is the matter? Has something happened?” the Commander asked, making no attempt to hide his concern.

She set her jaw as he regarded her closely, obviously waiting for her to answer him. How could she tell him? That Sera had joked about their sex life? That their sex life didn’t exist, and she hated it when people mentioned it, especially joking about it. She thought she could handle the implications of kissing Cullen under the Prophet’s Gift earlier. Apparently she was wrong.

“Nys?” Cullen’s voice called gently.

She blinked and finally took a breath. “Sera running her mouth…I just couldn’t—”

The Commander gave her a sympathetic look as he said, “I have come to realize the purpose of her jokes and pranks over her time in the Inquisitions. She merely wishes people to feel normal during a chaotic time but sometimes she goes too far.”

The historian made a face as she grumbled, “Sometimes she needs to keep her thoughts to herself instead of shouting them to the keep.”

The Commander arched an eyebrow as he noted, “What was she shouting to the keep? You both were just baking Satinalia cookies this morning and now…”

Anyssa shook her head, stubbornly refusing to answer. They had talked a little about it before and she knew he would never pressure her. In fact she wasn’t so sure he was ready to go farther himself.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a gentle tug on her elbow. She glanced up to see Cullen standing beside her with a half grin. He must have moved during her self-musing as she realized he’d also set aside his paperwork.

“My lady?” he said as he gestured towards his large oak desk.

She frowned but played along as he guided her to stand in front of his desk. Anyssa glanced up at him quizzically as he gave her a smug grin. Before she knew what was happening, Cullen had put his hands around her waist and lifted her quite easily onto his desk. After letting out a squeak of surprise, she huffed in indignation as she crossed her arms.

“Nyssa, don’t be cross with me,” he said softly as he hooked a finger under her chin. Meeting her eyes, he added, “I only want to make you comfortable enough to tell me exactly what troubles you. I want to help.”

Anyssa sighed as he moved his hand back to her waist. His thumbs made soothing circles against her as she began slowly, “It was Sera being Sera but apparently she and a few others saw us kiss under the Prophet’s Gift earlier…”

“People have seen us kiss before, Nys,” he pointed out as he inclined his head.

“I know,” the Earth woman conceded, “but she asked if we…were going to have a ‘good time of it now’…”

“Nyssa, I told you—after you goaded me into it rather loudly—that _is_ part of the superstition,” the Commander noted as he kissed her forehead. “It doesn’t mean—”

“She asked if I was going to make the lion roar for the whole keep to hear!” Anyssa blurted out, knowing she turned red as she did so.

She watched as the former Templar’s golden-brown eyes were blown wide. His hands stilled against her as he cleared his throat. His cheeks flushed pink as he stammered, “I, ah, I…am not quite sure what to say to that…I had not thought…that moniker would elicit such a… _question_.”

Nyssa crossed her arms and stared at his chest, refusing to say more or to respond to his words. Cullen shifted in front of her slightly as he squeezed her waist. She glanced up at him ever so slightly as he gave her a shy grin.

“I realize neither of us want our private lives in the public eye but with my position as Commander and Advisor and given who our friends are, that is unfortunately unlikely to happen,” he admitted softly as he leaned down closer to her. “I do not want you to think I will let any unwanted attention from others pressure us to change what is between us.”

Anyssa uncrossed her arms and placed her hands on his chest, thankful he was without armor. “I do not want to change what is between us but…”

“But _what_ , Nys?”

“But are you okay with not going further yet?” she asked quietly. She watched Cullen frown as she struggled to clarify. “I mean with not…doing what everyone already thinks we’ve done…I mean—”

“Being _intimate_ with one another?” the Commander finished for her with a hint of a grin, clearly amused that she couldn’t voice the thought now instead of him. “You would like to know if it bothers me that while we share a bed most nights, we have not had sex.”

Anyssa nodded uncertain how this conversation was going to end. He said repeatedly he would never pressure her, only accepting what she was willing to give. That didn’t mean he didn’t want more though. She knew how he looked at her sometimes, how he touched her. She also knew he was restraining himself for her benefit…Was that fair to him?

Her thoughts went back to Earth, to her awful relationship with Bryan. How her wants and needs in the bedroom hadn’t mattered, only his. As long as he were satisfied, then that should have been enough for her. But it hadn’t been. None of it had been even though for the longest time she had convinced herself it was.

“Nys, come back,” Cullen’s voice called to her. “Come back to me. You’re not there anymore.”

Anyssa abruptly looked up to see warm golden-brown eyes looking at her. The former Templar’s tender smile helped to ease her doubts, but they still needled at her, needing to be addressed.

The historian’s grip on his shirt tightened as she whispered, “ _Why_ are you okay with not doing more?”

He gave her a reassuring grin as he answered, “Because there is a time and place for everything and eventually we will get to that point.”

“So you don’t want me like that?” Anyssa asked confused. She knew what it sounded like, but she didn’t know how else to phrase it. That wasn’t what she had wanted to say. She knew he felt more, wanted more but his past had shaped him to hide it well. So what did he want? What did she want?

Cullen shook his head vehemently as he nudged her knees apart. Moving to stand between her legs right against the edge of his desk, he lowered his hands to her hips, pulling her against him. “Don’t you _ever_ think I don’t want you!”

His voice was commanding and indignant at the same time as she registered something else. He pushed against her ever so slightly as she felt a bulge from his pants against her thigh. Their eyes locked as Anyssa realized he _did_ want her like that. He wanted more but something stopped him from pursuing it. The way he looked at her hinted at more than just for her sake, a personal reason he had not shared yet.

“Cullen, what—”

“I can’t be with you like that until I…can feel…until I am sure I can control…myself,” the Commander stammered out as he continued to hold her tightly. His expression turned pained as he attempted to continue, “I can’t hurt you…I _can’t_ …”

Anyssa moved to cup his stubbled cheeks as his voice fell to a whisper. “Kinloch took so much from me…I don’t want you to be a part of that. I want to be free of…of…”

She grazed her thumbs over his lips to silence him as she continued to hold his face. “Cullen, it’s okay. I know you don’t want to hurt me, and I know you never will…I just…I want this too but only if we both—”

“Nys, I know you want this but I—”

“Can only give what you are comfortable with,” she finished for him, echoing his words from so many times before.

He looked as if he were about to object but stopped. Instead Anyssa went on, “I don’t want people to know about our private moments either. But when two people care about each other, they work together to make each other comfortable and safe. That’s how it’s supposed to work, right?”

Cullen nodded. “That is what I have always believed but _this_ is my first actual time experiencing this…”

“Me, too,” she said with a grin. “You’ve always made sure I feel safe and comfortable. I want to do that for you too.”

He rested his forehead against hers. “Nys, I never meant to make you question my affections for you…I simply can’t—”

She hugged him as she murmured into his ear, “I’m with you regardless.”

“Nys,” he whispered as he hugged her back, bringing her flush with his chest.

He held her fiercely, prompting the historian to wrap her legs around his waist to engulf him in a makeshift bear hug. “See? Can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“That was never my intention,” he assured her as he pulled back ever so slightly to gaze down at her. “But it would seem you cannot be rid of me quite so easily either.”

Nyssa giggled as he squeezed her hips gently. “Perhaps we could find ways to ease our way towards our end goal,” he murmured against her lips as he kissed her.

“What ways?” she asked curiously.

He grinned without pulling away as his hands slide up her sides. Anyssa squealed as he began tickling her ribs. Wiggling away from him she exclaimed, “What are you doing?”

“Tickling you?” he shrugged as he resumed his assault.

She squealed again as she protested, “If you keep doing that, we might break your desk!”

“It’s a strong, sturdy desk, Nys,” he assured her as he loomed over her retreating form.

“ _Awww, Cully Wully is making merry with his Nyssie Wyssie,_ ” Sera’s voice called out from beyond the tower’s walls.

“I’m going to tell her where she can stick her bees,” McBride muttered as the cackling elf’s laughter retreated.

Cullen glanced down smugly. “Maybe one day we can determine just how sturdy my desk is.”

Anyssa’s eyes went wide. “You did _not_ just say that, Rutherford!”

He leaned over her as he said, “I did, and I love you.”

She was forced to hum her contented reply as he kissed her. Whatever their troubles, they would work them out together and in their own time. In the meanwhile, she was perfectly content to ‘make merry’ as Sera put it, in other ways. In ways they were comfortable with. The only thing that mattered was being with Cullen and she knew she had that no matter what.


	14. Festive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa continues to get into the spirit of things as Satinalia approaches, finding a unique way to include Zera.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (based on the prompt 'animals getting festive' from the "12 Days of Satinalia" event hosted by the smut coven on tumblr)

“You dressed up the nug,” Varric stated flatly from his usual seat in front of the fireplace.

Anyssa grinned as the Great Hall buzzed with a few nobles and servants tending to business after the morning meal. “Her name is Zera not ‘the nug.’ And yes. I dressed her up. Why should she miss out on the Satinalia festivities?”

“Because she is a nug, Icy,” the dwarf said in a deadpan voice.

“And?” McBride asked not seeing the problem. “I thought you and Zera were on good terms.”

“We have an…understanding,” Varric clarified as he eyed the dark colored nug. “She leaves me alone. I leave her alone.”

“She’s a nug,” Anyssa pointed out.

“And those are usually dinner in the Deep Roads.”

“Good thing we are at Skyhold,” she noted as she held Zera protectively to her chest.

Varric narrowed his eyes as he leaned back in his chair, steepling his fingers as he said, “You haven’t shown Curly yet have you?”

Anyssa glanced down at the nug who wore a little scarf and hat made of blue yarn and a harness covered with bells.

“Well, no,” she admitted. “I only finished it this morning after he left to attend a meeting…”

Tethras began laughing as he said, “I can’t believe this. You dress up your nug and don’t even tell Curly who stays in your quarters now more than his. This is rich!”

“What hasn’t Nyssa told me and why are my sleeping habits any of your concern?” Cullen’s voice called from behind her.

Anyssa froze, hating the fact that he was able to constantly do that. Appear with little to no sound at the most inopportune times. Varric on the other hand enjoyed it way too much for her liking.

“Oh, nothing, Curly. Just a little something special about your roommate,” the author chuckled as he resumed his writing.

Cullen made a confused noise as he readjusted the bundle of papers he carried. “ _Roommate_? I’d hardly call Nyssa a—”

A squeak from the historian’s lap interrupted his thought. “Zera?”

Anyssa glanced up reluctantly as she attempted to conceal the nug. “Umm, yes?”

“What is Varric referring to?” he asked honestly confused.

When she averted her eyes he said, “Nyssa?”

She sighed and tuned so he could see Zera entirely. The Earth woman said nothing as Cullen tilted his head, taking in the dark nug’s blue knitted hat and scarf and the harness decorated with bells.

Finally, he said, “That is quite festive.”

She didn’t respond.

“Did you make it?”

She nodded.

“I was unaware you knew how to knit.”

“Krem taught me…He makes stuffed nugs for the kids…and he helped me figure out the harness and bells too,” she explained keeping her eyes fixed on Zera.

“I was unaware,” the Commander repeated as he set his bundle of papers on the table beside her.

Anyssa glanced up as he extended his hands in her direction. “May I?”

She looked at him and quickly to the nug. Glancing back up into his golden-brown eyes, seeing a genuine desire to hold the nug. Slowly she handed Zera up to him, not entirely sure what she expected him to do.

Cullen held the domesticated nug to his chest as he stroked the animal under its chin. Zera let out a series of contented squeaks. He grinned as Varric opened his mouth to say something.

The Commander began first. “We have an understanding. She lets me have Nyssa’s undivided attention as long as I indulge her in chin rubs.”

“I don’t believe it, Curly,” Tethras commented. “You actually like the little critter.”

“Perhaps not at first, but Zera is an…almost empathic pet,” Cullen noted. “When I fail to note Nyssa’s mood, Zera lets me know of my mistake.”

Varric raised an eyebrow. “And what of your little friend’s new outfit?”

The Commander held the nug up to eye level and inspected the items in question. “I believe they compliment her coloring nicely and I will never criticize the color blue where Nyssa is concerned.”

Tethras chuckled. “Oh yeah. You’re the one responsible for her wardrobe being predominately blue…I heard Vivienne was planning a new dress with her seamstress for you. Something about the Satinalia Ball Ruffles is planning.”

“That is really not necessary,” Anyssa grumbled.

“Try telling the Iron Lady that,” the author noted. “I think designing clothes for you has become her hobby.”

“I may not agree with Madame de Fer on every issue, but the clothing she had gifted you is very…complimentary,” Cullen said as he offered a hand to Nyssa. “Would you come with me please?”

“Complimentary? Really, Curly?”

“Other comments about her clothes are not meant for your ears, dwarf!”

“Oh, pardon me, Commander Compliment,” Varric huffed as he glanced at Anyssa. “I hope those compliments are better than what I am allowed to hear.”

Anyssa fighting back a blush as she took Cullen’s hand said, “Yes. They are.”

The dwarf looked at her in disbelief as she scooped up the Commander’s discarded papers. The blond warrior glanced back with a smug grin as he escorted McBride. Zera squeaked in his arms as they walked through the Great Hall. Anyssa looked to the nug and then to Cullen. “Do you want to trade?”

He shook his head. “No. She is fine.”

The historian frowned as she glanced around as the other people bustling around the Great Hall. “What about you? A lot of people are seeing the Inquisition’s Commander carrying a dressed up nug.”

“They are seeing me carry a nug who has more Satinalia spirit than most of these pompous arrogant nobles,” he corrected as they approached the door to the gardens. “ _And_ I am simply taking an interest in the woman I love.”

She looked up at him as he opened the wooden door for her. “You really don’t mind Zera?”

“Have I ever made a comment to that effect?”

“Anyssa shook her head as they passed through the doors to the garden.

“I thought not,” Cullen replied as they followed the covered path to the steps. “I will have to say, however, that Lt. Aclassi is an excellent teacher. The craftsmanship of Zera’s hat, scarf, and harness are of excellent quality.”

“You really think so?”

“Yes. My mother was a seamstress part time and my father, amongst other things, made tack for our neighbors and to sell. I hear that Mia and Bran inherited those talents.”

Hearing the disappointed tone in his voice with his last words, she said, “Cullen, you aren’t a disappointment to them because you chose a different path. You couldn’t be. Remember Mia’s letter to us?”

“I am slowly coming to realize that,” he admitted with a sigh as they ascended the steps. “I meant to say that you could practice knitting by making Zera a matching sweater.”

“You want me to make my nug a sweater?”

“Why not? You could eventually make others things as well,” he added.

“Okay, I suppose I could knit you and Zera _matching_ sweaters…”

“Nyssa.”

“They would be matching _festive_ sweaters.”

“Maker, what have I done?” Cullen muttered as he held Zera up as if expecting the nug to answer.

Anyssa giggled as they reached her quarters over the garden. “You suggested I practice.”

Cullen sighed. “So I did. Would you make it look Fereldan at least?”

“What? No ruffles?”

“Nys!”

“You said you loved me, remember?”

“How could I forget?” he asked as he kissed her quickly.

Anyssa hummed in contentment as Culled murmured, “May we enter your quarters so Zera may enjoy her festive attire while I tell you exactly how lovely and beautiful and remarkable you are?”

“Cullen---”

“I could find a sprig of Prophet’s Gift if you’d like.”

“You don’t need an excuse to kiss me.”

“Good because festive spirit or not, I plan to kiss you whenever I want for as long as the Maker allows.”


	15. Traditions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen notices Nyssa missing something from Earth that reminds her of Satinalia. He enlists the help of friends to start a new tradition and makes her smile along the way.

Cullen sat at his desk glancing from the pile of reports he had yet to read and the fire place. The Satinalia season was upon them and for the first time in a very long time he had someone to share it with. This was his second Satinalia with the Inquisition and the first where he hd a significant other. Of course he and Nyssa had exchanged gifts before but this time Anyssa wanted to participate in more of the traditions.

But something was off about his love. She seemed to be missing something. She had spoken of a holiday from her world that reminded her of Satinalia. He noticed she seemed whimsical when she spoke of it. Always wanting to learn more about her past, he had asked what she missed most. She detailed the event of decorating an evergreen tree with presents underneath it. It seemed she missed the act of decorating it with those she cared about.

Satinalia did not include such a tradition but who was to say he and Anyssa could not start traditions of their own? Cullen pushed aside the stack of reports as he began writing notes on what he would need. He would need help as well. Blackwall and the Chargers might be of service. Even Sera would be more than willing to pitch in.

Perhaps he could show Nyssa in a few days. Maybe she would like it. Maybe she would smile…

*****

Three days later and many notes passed and secret meetings with those involved, the Commander had been able to see his plan come to fruition. And Sera had been more than happy to distract Anyssa so the finished product could be moved into her quarters. Now all he had to do was wait for her return.

Cullen stared at the table near the large window of Anyssa’s chambers. It was covered in a blue cloth, the color of Nyssa’s eyes. A color he had come to count as his favorite. Madame de Fer had added that touch once she knew what the Commander had been up to.

Then there was the small evergreen tree the Chargers had procured. It was a small one, only about four foot high, sitting in a decorative bucket they had found somewhere. Beside the tree was a crate of decorations that had been fashioned by Blackwall, Krem, and Sera. To his great surprise the prankster elf had not made anything inappropriate to adorn the tree. He was sure se was saving that impulse for the gift-giving to happen in a few days.

He stood by the lit hearth regarding the tree. It stood bare before him, silhouetted by the light of the setting sun. It was foreign to him to have a tree indoors waiting to be decorated yet that is what Anyssa said some cultures did on Earth. She had said she never wanted to go back but that didn’t mean she had to give up everything from her past. He wanted her to remember the good parts of her past and maybe use that to make new memories in their future.

That was something he wanted too. He wanted to remember the good times with his parents and siblings during his youth. Even the good times with his fellow Templars before he allowed anger and fear to consume him. When he was simply attempting to survive. Now he wanted to live…

His breath caught in his chest. He didn’t simply want to continue with what had been. This whole time he—Why else would he go to such great lengths for Nyssa? He was living a life now and he never thought he would have now and he was trying to build a future with the woman he loved…

The door knob to Anyssa’s quarters rattled interrupting his thoughts. He moved quickly to block the sight of the tree as best he could as the door opened. The historian entered with a grin as she saw him there.

Closing the door she said, “Your note said you would be late.”

“Please forgive the subterfuge, Nys” Cullen replied. “But I promise it was worth it.”

“ _Subterfuge_?” she echoed uncertainty.

“Yes,” he said as he stood aside revealing the tree.

Anyssa stood dumbstruck as her eyes took in the tree, the table cloth, and the crate of decorations. For several long moments, she said nothing, standing motionless under Cullen’s anxious gaze.

He resisted the urge to explain why he had done it. He wanted her honest reaction and it was about her not his pride. He still felt nervous as he watched her take a few steps passed him towards the tree.

“Sera was just being a distraction,” Anyssa finally stated not glancing at him once.

He nodded. “Yes.”

She stopped short of the tree, reaching a hand out to touch the needles. Slowly she turned her focus to the crate. He watched as she gently picked through the crafted decorations. He saw her carefully inspect the ribbon garland Sera had made, the stuffed nugs and Mabari Krem had sewed together, and the various wood carved ornaments Blackwall had provided. Of course there were strips of ribbon that glittered more than Cullen though necessary provided by Dorian.

Suddenly his name was called, a waver in her voice. She turned to him with a small cloth ornament in hand. As he walked to her, he saw that it was a red hand-stitched heart. He stood beside her as he placed a hand over hers.

“Nys, I—”

“How did you…”

“I had help. I wanted to make this special for you. You may be Fereldan now but you still have a past and that is still important,” he explained as he put an arm around her waist. “And I wanted to make our own memories and traditions for the future.”

“Traditions for the future?” she echoed looking up at him. “But this isn’t a Thedas tradition.”

“Perhaps not,” he admitted with a grin. “But why could we not start our own? The first being a Satinalia tree.”

Anyssa glanced at the tree in question. “And you plan to add more?”

“Yes,” the Commander stated as he squeezed her hand holding the cloth heart. “This is one of the things I’d like to continue.”

He watched as she glanced back down at the heart. Hand stitched into the fabric were words.

_Nys, I love you with all my heart. Yours always, Cullen_

Perhaps it wasn’t the prettiest ornament to hang on the tree or hadn’t taken the longest to make, but to him it was the most important because of the sentiment it shared. Ice blue eyes met his golden brown ones once more as she smiled widely at him, tears sliding down her cheeks.

“Cullen, you didn’t have to do this.”

He wiped away her tears as he kissed her forehead. “I know, but I would do anything to see you smile, Nys.”

The historian threw her arms around him as she said, “Thank you, Cullen. I just…Thank you.”

“You never need to thank me, Nyssa,” he reminded her as he took the heart from her. “Will you show me how to do this properly?”

She nodded. “Yes, but put that one at the top.”

He smiled as she began going through the box. Cullen put the heart on the top in the front just as she requested. He stood back waiting to be told what to do next. He wanted this time of the year to be special for both of them. And finding new ways to make her smile would always be the way he would do it. Both now and in the future.


	16. Sweaters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sera’s choice and sincerity in Satinalia gifts is suspect by the Commander until Nyssa explains its true meaning.

“No.”

“But Cullen—”

“No.”

  
“She meant well by it.”

“No.”

“Cullen, she is simply trying to spread some Satinalia spirit.”

“This is not any thing remotely related to Satinalia,” the Commander protested as he gestured at the box’s contents.

“Cullen,” Anyssa tried to reason as he turned away in frustration. “It’s the thought that counts…This isn’t meant as a prank. She simply wanted to give you something to smile about. Maybe even laugh about.”

“Do I look like I am laughing?” he said as he glared over his shoulder.

Anyssa stifled a giggle. “Not really but its only a sweater.”

“An _ugly_ sweater. A pair to be exact,” the Commander corrected as he turned back to her.

McBride crossed the room to stand in front of him. Taking his hand, she said, “Sera doesn’t mean anything malevolent by it. She made us matching sweaters because she thinks we are a sickeningly sweet couple who needs something ugly to keep it under control or words to that effect.”

“And she just told you this as she casually presented this box to you?” the Commander asked suspiciously.

“Something like that,” she muttered as he pulled her to his chest.

He narrowed his golden eyes, well aware of her tendency to aid the Red Jenny in her pranks. “Nyssa, you knew well ahead of time what was going to be in that box.”

It wasn’t a question or an accusation. Simply a fact being stated. The historian nodded with half a grin.

“To Sera, Satinalia is about making people happy, making them laugh, to have them forget about their problems and responsibilities for a moment,” Anyssa said as she lowered her head to stare at his chest. “I wanted that for you and Sera offered…”

She trailed off as Cullen studied her. She had been sure about her actions not one minute before and now she was obviously having second thoughts. The Commander knew his reaction had caused it. He cupped her cheek as she murmured, “Sera wanted to make up for the ‘ _making merry’_ comment the other day and I—”

“Have forgotten something very important,” he finished for her as he urged her to look up at him. “While I appreciate the thought and intent behind this… _gift_ …I already have a reason to be happy and smile and laugh and helps me to forget about my problems everyday.”

Ice blue eyes looked up at him questioningly as he smiled lovingly down at her. Grazing a thumb over her lips, he said, “You.”

Anyssa blushed as he kissed her quickly. She rested her head against his chest as he hugged her tightly. Contented with his answer she made no effort to move.

“I will do many things to show you I love you but wearing those heinous things is not one of them,” Cullen stated firmly.

Anyssa laughed. “I wasn’t going to ask you to.”

Cullen sighed in relief as she added, “But we _are_ keeping them.”

He let out a groan but acquiesced. “As you wish.”


	17. Poetry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassandra’s attempt to help Cullen select a Satinalia present for Nyssa is appreciated but proves to be awkward for the Commander. And of course, Nyssa finds it amusing.

Cullen’s golden brown eyes scanned the parchment yet again. The words had not changed from the other dozen times he’d read the ruddy thing. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he wondered about his friend’s taste in literature.

Cassandra Pentaghast had taken it upon herself to help select a Satinalia gift for Anyssa. While he already had one in mind, the Seeker had suggested a book of poetry and provided a handwritten example of one from one of her own books. While Cullen would agree Anyssa liked books and reading, he as dubious about poetry. Especially the selected example he currently held in his hand.

He would never be able to look at the Seeker the same way again. Enjoying Varric’s Swords and Shields he could explain away. Something mindless to read to serve as a distraction from the everyday stress of their lives. But erotic poetry? And the suggestion he gift a book of it to Nyssa?

Impossible.

Laughable.

Embarrassing.

All words that come to mind when he gave it the slightest serious thought. He couldn’t figure out who would turn the darker shade of red if he went through with it: him or Nyssa.

He was on the verge of crumpling up the paper and tossing it in the fire when the door from the side near the watch tower opened. Anyssa appeared before him as he quickly hid the paper behind his back.

“Nyssa? What are you doing here?” he asked hoping she hadn’t seen the paper. “I did not expect to see you until tonight.”

“I still have those artifacts to inventory and prepare to ship to Orzammar for the dwarves, but I can spare a few moments to see you.”

Cullen smiled broadly as she closed the door and walked toward him. “I always welcome any chance to see you.”

She grinned back as she admitted, “Well, I feel the same but this time I’m here to ask a question…”

“Anything,” he replied as he reached for one of her hands.

“I just had lunch with Cassandra and she was explaining to me that before the Inquisition she hadn’t felt like celebrating Satinalia since her brother’s death,” Anyssa explained as she intertwined their fingers together. “Now she wants to make sure everyone has a wonderful Satinalia experience. Her words, not mine.”

“Nys, I’m afraid I’m missing your question if there was one in there,” Cullen admitted as he squeezed her fingers gently.

McBride laughed quietly. “I was getting to it…Ummm, Cassandra kept hinting at your gift to me. Saying things like she’d knew I’d appreciate it and that it would help us…grow closer but I think she was expecting it to involve intimacy.”

“Maker’s breath,” he cursed quietly. “I thought she would not—that she would have some sense of propriety about it…”

“So you _do_ know what she was talking about,” Anyssa accused as she made a face at him. “Cullen, you said you wouldn’t talk about what we did or didn’t do in private with others!”

“And I haven’t!” he rushed to assure her. “I promised you—”

“Then what—”

“Cassandra came to me this morning insisting she had the perfect idea for my Satinalia gift to you,” he began, wanting her to believe he would and had kept his promise to her. “She knew my present last year was a book on history and you always appreciate books. She believed this year since we are together that it should be a book of… _poetry_.”

“You don’t like poetry,” McBride stated flatly.

“Yes, well, putting that aside, Cassandra thought you would…and I am reluctant—”

Anyssa tilted her head. “You have some of this poetry behind your back don’t you?” she observed with a half-grin.

He nodded as he muttered, “I had hoped you wouldn’t notice that.”

She chuckled. “You always hold me with both hands unless you are hiding something or busy. I was going with the former.”

He sighed as he closed his eyes. “Why must she make this so… _awkward_?”

“Awkward?” Anyssa echoed as she reached around him for the paper. “What kind of poetry is it exactly?”

“The kind I would prefer you not to associate with me or us,” he answered as he held the paper high above his head.

Anyssa stood on her tip toes attempting to reach it. “ _Cullen_!”

The former Templar grinned broadly as he chuckled. Not one to give up easily, she jumped but was still unable to snatch the scrap from his grasp. “Cullen Rutherford!”

He let out a rumble of laughter as he switched hands. Anyssa hopped once more in an attempt to reach the poem. “Are you having problems, my lady?”

“Only the one you are causing,” she said as she halted her attempts. “But I can fix that by going directly to the source and simply asking her.”

Cullen watched in horror as she turned and began heading towards the door. He lunged towards her, grabbing her around the waist. She squealed as he held her firmly to him, her back to his chest. He murmured into her ear, “The things mentioned in this poem are things I would like us to experience together. _Eventually_ ….Without having read Maker awful descriptions by some ruddy nonsensical poet who probably never knew anything of the physical acts of affections he describes.”

Anyssa settled against him as she ceased her attempts to escape his arms. “So you think _you_ would be better at demonstrating an act of affection or intimacy described in the poem rather than the actual poem doing the act justice?”

Cullen paused, considering if she were serious or teasing. He replied slowly, “I have experience on the one hand, but it has been a long time…And I know your last experience was not…pleasant to put it mildly.”

Anyssa pulled his arms more tightly around her as she whispered, “I don’t want to think about that or what happened to you…I just want us to…when we are together, for it to be _special_.”

“Nys, every moment I have with you is special no matter how we spend it,” he noted as he squeezed her gently.

The historian made a contented noise as he held the paper with the poem on it in front of her. “Do you want to read it?”

Anyssa took the paper from him and tossed it into the fire. “I’d rather experience it…when we’re ready.”

The Commander chuckled. “As would I.”


	18. Feast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No holiday celebration would be complete without an awkward dinner with friends and family asking those questions you’d rather avoid. As fate would have it, Satinalia is no different for Cullen and Nyssa.

Anyssa hadn’t experienced a true holiday feast in a very long time. Even for Christmas and Thanksgiving, it had been back when her parents and grandmother were alive. After they passed away and she had cut off her aunt and uncle, she had been limited to parties with her small group of friends or her clients’ get togethers. After Bryan there had only been the celebrations he chose to go to, usually to feed his ego and to show her off as an accessory instead of a girlfriend.

The first Satinalia she had spent in Thedas had not been as elaborate or large as the current one. Back then, the Inquisition was still struggling for funds and the means to throw such a party. Now after Corypheus’ defeat, Josephine had insisted the members of the Inquisition were due a proper Satinalia celebration. Anyssa agreed whole heartedly and looked forward to the feast.

Of course that would include the awkward questions, comments, and general conversation she and Cullen tended to shy away from. But as the large Satinalia feast was held in the Great Hall of Skyhold, there was no avoiding it. The fact was if they wanted to participate in the feast, they would have to tolerate the awkwardness that was sure to accompany it.

That did absolutely nothing to keep Commander Cullen Rutherford from grimacing every time someone asked a question or made a comment about his future. It especially seemed to trouble him if they made assumptions about his future with her.

This time the question came from Varric, ever wanting to know the juicy details of his friends’ lives just because he was nosey and/or for a book. Usually both. It didn’t matter. Either way, Cullen was still clearly annoyed.

“So Curly, you’ve managed a complete career changes, come back to your native Ferelden, changed your outlook on a whole lot of things, and have a pretty and smart woman by your side,” the dwarf stated with a nosy grin. “What are you going to do now that the bad guys lost?”

Cullen swallowed his ale before he replied as evenly as he could, “I intend to remain in my post until the Inquisition is no longer needed. There are still rifts that remain open as well as rogue Venatori and Red Templars that must still be dealt with. Then there is the red lyrium itself…”

“Wow, Curly! Is that all you do? Think about work?” the author admonished as he glanced at Anyssa. “Icy, please tell me he is more fun behind closed doors.”

“It depends on _how_ you define fun,” McBride replied with a grin as Cullen regarded her with disbelief.

“ _Nyssa_!”

Before she could say anything further Cassandra spoke up. “I believe what Varric is trying to ask is: what are your _personal_ plans? I have heard that you would like to take Anyssa traveling at some point.”

“That was Nyssa’s idea,” Cullen noted as he nodded his thanks to the Seeker for the distraction. “We have discussed traveling a few places if our duties allow it. Anything else will have to wait until my retirement.”

“ _Retirement_?” Dorian echoed almost choking on his wine. “My dear Commander, are you well? That would mean no more paperwork, no more yelling at recruits, no more being busy every moment of the day! How could you survive that?”

Cullen let out a barely audible growl as his hand found Anyssa’s under the table. “There are _other_ important concerns I will turn my attention to.”

“Other concerns? Do you not pay that concern enough attention presently?” the Tevinter goaded as he sipped his ale.

The Commander squeezed her hand tightly as he set his jaw. Anyssa spoke up before he snapped. “The concern you are so graciously worried about is well attended to. I assure you. His duties have _never_ detracted from that or vice versa.”

“Awww, Icy comes to your rescue,” Varric cooed as Cassandra thumped his arm.

“They _are_ together, dwarf! What else would you expect?” the Seeker asked as some their dinner plates were taken away.

“The Commander is a private man,” Josephine observed, talking over the ambient conversation from other tables. “Perhaps he wishes to keep their plans to themselves.”

“Does he even have plans?” Leliana quipped with a knowing smirk. “Perhaps it is Anyssa who has all the plans laid out.”

“Oh, she had some,” Bull noted leaning back in his chair, “but so does Cullen. I’d wager they have things set in motion for after his retirement already.”

He winked his one eye as Cullen squeezed her hand again. She moved to lace her fingers with his to relieve some of the pressure as Josephine pointed out, “The Commander does have family in South Reach. Perhaps they plan to visit there before deciding.”

“All these plans are still a fair ways away, aren’t they?” Blackwall asked. “What if Lady Anyssa no longer needs to carry on as the Inquisition’s historian. What of that?”

Anyssa frowned. She had never once considered giving up her livelihood. Maybe adapting to the changing circumstances but not completely abandoning it. Before she could say anything Vivienne spoke up.

“Surely you don’t expect Anyssa to give up her livelihood, her passion simply because she is with the Commander? While I am sure Cullen would be an excellent provider, there is absolutely no reason to assume she cannot continue her historical pursuits without or outside the Inquisition.”

Cullen growled more audibly as Evie finally spoke up. “Given the Commander’s current state, I might suggest everyone refrain from talking about both Cullen and Anyssa as if they aren’t here.”

“We might if they actually answered,” Varric chuckled as he finished his meal.

“We _have_ answered,” Culled stated firmly, annoyance and frustration in his tone. “You simply did not receive the reply you wished to hear.”

“Hey, its not our fault you are boring,” the dwarf said, attempting to bait the former Templar as their drinks were refilled.

This time McBride squeezed Cullen’s hand as she commented, “We have plans. We have things we want to do, things we would eventually like to happen. But those are plans between Cullen and me. So pardon my next few words but I don’t give a damn if you approve or if our future fits into your preconceived notion of how things should go. I value all of you. You’ve helped me overcome so much in your own ways but quite frankly your input is not needed.”

Several people gave Anyssa a shocked look while other simply smiled smugly at her uncharacteristic monologue. Cullen on the other hand turned to her, raising their intertwined hands to eye level. He kissed the top of her hand as he smiled. He murmured against her hand, “I could not have said it better myself, sweetling.”

Anyssa knew she was blushing as Sera called out, “Oi! Get a room why don’t ya!”

Cullen arched an eyebrow as he said just loud enough for their table to hear, “Should we retreat to yours or mine?”

The historian’s eyes grew wide at his boldness as their friends made quiet comments. Dorian on the other hand proposed a toast as their dessert arrived, “To the Commander and our lovely historian! May the Maker guide them along, granting them happiness and the patience not to kill their well-meaning but nosy friends. May the Commander continue to shower Lady Anyssa with the attention, support and love she clearly deserves while she provides him a safe harbor, a place to call home, and a feeling of belonging he deserves…And of course, may your bed room escapades be the stuff of legend as I am sure Varric will write them in some of his as of yet unwritten books.”

“To Cullen and Anyssa,” their friends cheered as the couple looked with expressions of confusion and embarrassment.

“It wouldn’t be a proper Satinalia feast if someone wasn’t awkwardly embarrassed,” Varric pointed out.

“In that case, you have accomplished your goal and more,” the Commander grumbled.

As everyone settled down to enjoy their desserts, Evie spoke up, “You two are planning on remaining together after the Inquisition one way or another, correct?”

Cullen glanced at Nyssa who nodded. “Yes—”

Before he could say any more Cole appeared behind them. “A chapter not yet written but waiting to be told. Their story is just beginning, wanting to last a life time. Waiting to see how it will end.”

As abruptly as he appeared, Cole vanished. Evie grinned. “I suppose we have our answer then.”

Cullen exchanged looks with Anyssa. Indeed Cole was correct, and neither could have put it better themselves. Their journey was still starting but one thing was for sure, they would continue to make that journey together.


End file.
